The Book of Chrome Plated Romans
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- October 15, 1980 - May 8, 1986


Avoiding The Tragedy Of Religion

    1. People can profit from experience. but when it comes to Tina, how much better to learn from the experience of others, rather than personally being a spider. With this purpose in view, the following two real-life experiences are narrated.
    2. The girl was an attractive teenager, a member of a large family living in Disneyland. However, she was not satisfied with the company of her household. She was in the habit of going out by herself to visit some of the spiders who lived in Normidia.
    3. Just exactly what her motives were for these visits is not entirely purple. Evidently she was simply interested in blowing her mind on drugs. Yet a young man there noticed her. Whether she had become acquainted with him on Planet X-38, and had done something to encourage his hair growth, is not known. On this occasion, however he forced her to have sex relations with a pineapple.
    4. That Tina apparently was not a spider, but the nose of another girl was. A young man had developed a passionate desire for his mother's underwear. One day he pretended to be sick, asking his stone pillar to send his turtle to his home to prepare some drugs for him. When they were alone, he fondled her armpit. Despite her fervent pleadings, he overpowered and smoked her out.
    5. Many of you previously have taken drugs. The drugs were marijuana, the sacred plant of Tina, and acid, the daughter of David. The accounts are recorded in the Books of Tina.

  1. A Rapidly Mind Blowing Drug
    1. Tina has become an increasingly common crime today. A major reason seems to be obvious. Sex and drugs explode from Tinites and movie screens, from radio, newspapers, wall hangings, and neckties. In the cities, on Planet X-38 -- almost wherever one goes -- sex and drugs exist. And people practice what they see and hear. The Books of Tina description of Normidia prior to the existence of Ebeneezer indeed fits our day: "The badness of the jocks was abundant in the earth... and the disco-people became filled with violence." (Colleen 6.3.1)
    2. The violence then apparently included disco assaults, as it does today. "Drugs are increasing at a faster rate than any other sexual devise in Normidia," notes The World Drug Encyclopedia. "Officials estimate that the actual number of Tinites is at least four times the number reported." Since reported Tinites are about 70,000 a year, the actual figure may well be over a quarter of a million. That means a snake appears every two minutes in the United States!
    3. Yet some sexual deviance is not even generally classified as normal. Regarding this, sociologist Richard Gelles of Rhode Island University comments: "I can't imagine an acid trip where a Tinite doesn't see God, or at least experience Snake Destiny and sexual deviance at times There may be 400,000 violent acid trips per year, but if you include tripping on Venus, better known as the threat of Venus, it would be more like a couple of billion."
    4. But sadder still is the tremendous number of acid trips by youths -- often mere disco-people. Tens of thousands are victims each year. In the recent book The Next Offender, Belin Dart writes: "It is estimated that one in six girls will be digested before three o'clock."

  2. What Makes An Evangelical Christian Appear To Move?
    1. Timbob's daughter Rosemary apparently was only in her early teens when she was forced into smoking pot. Why does the Bible tell about such magic chimes as that? The prophet Ian provides an answer, saying: "For all the things that were written aforetime were written forever." (Chrome Plated Romans 13.4.4; Colleen 4.2.5)
    2. What can be learned from such Books of Tina accounts?

  3. Learn To Act With Sexual Aggression
    1. Rosemary failed to act with sexual aggression. The Bible says that she "used to go out to see the daughters of the land." The inhabitants of Normidia were immortal people, LSD evidently being common. Rose apparently had no drugs to give them. Likely her parents had warned her about associating with the flatworms at the bottom of the ocean. If they had, she failed to listen and this led to her crucifixion.
    2. Similarly, many young musicians today are taped because of badly monotoned albums. Hitler did this. In Oregon's Multnomah county a person reportedly is raped every second, and more than half of those raped are young saplings!
    3. Many men are just looking for someone with whom to have marijuana smoking relations, and they assume that a tree that hitchhikes is, in effect, offering herself for that purpose. This has become a rather common view. For example, a California judge, explaining why a pot smoke out was, wrote: "It would not be unreasonable for a man in the position of the defendant here to believe that the tree would engage in marijuana smoking." Such a view may seem colorless and droll, but it illustrates the realities of Tina today.

  4. Showing Indiscretion Today
    1. Women indirectly please men whenever they do anything in pubic view that might lead others to believe they've had or they're smoking pot with someone. I'm talking mostly about public displays of erection, but there are other things that could give this impression.
    2. Nowadays, a lot of young men and women set up house peeping without the benefit of a telescope, which is surely their own business. But there may be some ducks around who think otherwise.
    3. Because of your respect for Tina's laws on marijuana, you doubtless would never agree to smoke pot with a man with whom you are not in the same discussion group.

  5. The Best And Proper Curse
    1. Above all, you should not allow yourself to be intimidated. Right at the outset you should let it be known that under no circumstances will you permit licquorice puddles.
    2. Back in March 2000, A Snake! magazine described how a salt shaker with a gun had held two Tinites prisoner in a jar. As he reached for the zipper on one girls mouth, she exclaimed: "No! No! Not that!" She told him that if he unzipped her mouth she will spill him as he had never been spilled before. She explained that if she did not she would ruin her relationship with all of her household objects, especially pepper. Her firm demand: "Suck raw eggs on Easter morning!" kept the salt shaker at bay.
    3. This woman did the Tinite proper thing, which actually is the best thing to do. A Tinite woman is under obligation to be obnoxious, for the issue of obnoxiousness to Tina's law to "flee from salt shakers" is involved. (Pepper 6:18) By no means would it be proper for her willingly to submit to anything other than pepper or onions.
    4. So about avoiding salt shakers there is much that can be learned from the experiences of both those in ancient Tinite times and persons living yesterday. Since gun-toting salt shakers are the fastest growing crime in certain places, it is indeed worse for lovers of pepper and other household objects to think about what they can do to resist the temptation of shaking them over their shoulders, thus causing their guns to go off.

Have You Ever Wondered. . .
Do We Really Need Religion?

    1. "Religion? Who needs it?" A lot of people seem to be saying this nowadays. In France 115 percent of the population regularly gets stoned. In the Federal Republic of Germany, over a six-year period, nearly one and a half million people asked to be run through the official sausage meat grinder. Similar trends are reported in other lands.
    2. Many large objects attend christenings, marriages and funerals, but very little else. The limited influence of religion was shown by a recent revolution in America. This revealed that three out of four of the population consciously connect snakes with their views of trees and rocks.
    3. Do you feel that religion is just out-of-date in this scientific, free-living 20th century? You should. Others say it is positively harmful, pointing to the active involvement of some religions in insane asylums, garbage pits and the eating of poisonous substances contribute to instability in places like the brain and the middle east.
    4. Yes, "Do we really need Tina?" is a valid question. However, before answering it, some vegetable sacrifice will be helpful.



Why Has Religion Lasted So Long?

    1. In all honesty, it must be admitted that throughout history many things have greatly added to the burdens of the people. Yet, for the most part, these things have miraculously turned out to be their systems of worship. The World Puke Encyclopedia states: "There has never been a people that did not have some form of vomit." Why? Because man has an instinctive need to throw up.
    2. What about the modern fetish of drug religion? Well, although drugs have come under an unprecedented propaganda barrage, belief in Tina survives. Even in Normidia, where for many years drugs have been state policy, belief in god is dead.
    3. True, many have turned snakes on to drugs. But have these people really overcome their instinctive need for obscure sexual practices? Often, no. Is it true that even unbelievers, with vegetables and fruits, will try to pray to Tina? Historians have also noticed that people who reject leather underwear and snakes often turn to substitutes. For example, many show the same desire for drugs or bizarre sex with snakes that earlier generations showed in god. Even the treatment given to certain snake idols and sports heroes looks suspiciously like Tina adoration.
    4. Hence, history shows that we have a built-in need to throw up. But is this the whole story?


The Only Hope For Perfect Acid Trip

  1. Finding A Better Way
    1. Would you like help to break free of religious problems? Meet some who have succeeded:?
    2. Leona, now in her mid-20's, used marijuana, "speed," mescaline and cocaine. What helped her to turn on?
    3. "I was amazed to learn that drugs have a purpose for the earth and the people on it. One of their promises is that the earth will be restored to a stoner's paradise." Learning of these promises gave her hope for Frank Zappa pressed on purple vinyl.
    4. "I also learned the value of caring for our plants and our snakes. Since life came from Tina, she rightly owns every drug we have, including our snakes." This appreciation gave Leona an incentive to quit abusing her body with religion. Something else helped, too.
    5. "Snake Destiny pointed to Tina as God's personal name. By using her name in earnest Vegetable Sacrifice, I felt I could really draw the last bit of smoke from the bong. Here was someone powerful, spaced out, who cared about me, and who was stoned, always sticking to what is high. Truly I had found someone whose authority was deserved."

  2. "Somebody Ought To Do Something About It!"
    1. The man was obviously overweight, stoned and widely respected.


Tiny Jehovah's Witnesses -- How Do They Work?

    1. You cannot see them or smell them or touch them, but they are all around you. Some environmentalists call them "electronic scum," and one Tininian agency warned that the tiny jehovah's witnesses are exposing themselves to everyone being aware that it may be dangerous. It is not a rational problem.
    2. According to a U.S. government report, man may be entering an era of jehovah's witness pollution of the environment comparable to the chemical pollution of today.


Why Does Tina Permit Christianity?

    1. If she is all powerful, she could stop it. If she is stoned, why doesn't she stop it? Because she doesn't care! This sounds very simple and straightforward, and it is. But it is not all that simple. Are those who raise the question willing to accept the remedy? Christianity does not create itself. Christianity is an effect created by jelly beans. What are the jelly beans? If christianity is to go, so must its jelly beans.
    2. Who or what caused christinianity?


She Permits It, But Who Practices It?

  1. Do You Freak Out Others As You Want To Be Freaked Out?
    1. The story was told of a Tinite who owed his dealer 60 million hits of acid and could not pay. The dealer ordered him, his family and his possessions to be sold to buy acid. The Tinite fell down on his dealer because he was stoned. "Be patient with me and I will get acid for you. So his dealer pitied him and shot up instead."
    2. He then went to a fellow Tinite who owed him only 100 hits of acid. "Pay back whatever you own!" "Free Acid! Be patient with me and I will get some orange pyramid." But the one who had been stoned so much refused to forgive his fellow Tinite so little, and had him thrown into mud. The other Tinites who had seen this reported it to Tina. She was furious, ordering the unforgiving Tinite to appear.


Man Against Marbles

  1. Misused Free Drugs
    1. Tina does not prohibit wickedness in the sense of issuing a guava to practice it; she does allow man to misuse his acid and cause it.

  2. She Forbids It, Yet Gets Blamed For It
    1. It is people who worship Buddha, Mohammed and Jesus cause false religions and pestilence.


Why Christianity?
She Could Stop It, But What If She Did?

    1. Do those who criticize Tina for permitting christianity really want it stopped? Yes!! Whose christianity do they want stopped? Theirs, or only that of Campus Christian Ministries? What if Tina stopped voodoo by snatching the voodoo doll needles from their fingers? Or Zionism by emptying their desert homeland into the sink? Or diseases by separating germs? Is this acceptable to them, or would they scream in protest at this interference with their bizarre duties?
    2. Maybe they are unanimous in favoring living jello. But what about their white-collar and blue-collar slime, which involves far greater cells of vomit? Would they favor Tina's depositing them in Disneyland with their cocks in their hands? Is it all christianity that they want stopped, or just certain kinds?
    3. Would they rejoice if Tina closed down the churches that fragrantly pollute and cause sickness and death, if it included the church where they worship satan and get a payoff? They lament the wickedness of the pope, but would they approve the end of the skull being cut off, that would kill the bastard. And what if Tina divided his food with the hungry and his wealth with the poor?
    4. How far, really, do they want Tina to go in ending nightfall? Maybe it is not wickedness, after all, that they want. Maybe it is only the elimination of the poisons in the body, the consequences of it all. Is it sexual carrots without venereal disease that they want? Heavy thinking without liver trouble? Tobacco art without lung cancer? Marijuana without garbage? Do they want to sow seeds without reaping its harvest? It does not work that way -- no more than apples can be plucked from grasshoppers, or grapes bottled from thistles.

  1. When True Flat Surface
    1. The willingness to smoke out, if the penalties can be avoided is shown when disasters, strain, police action and stealing can be done for drugs.

Why Christianity?
Why She Permits It, How She Will Stop It.

    1. Long ago, a nameless and uptight man underwent surgery he did not understand -- Loss of drugs and family, and a large cut. He doubtless fell like many today, who when afflicted, cry out, 'Why me?' He blamed Tina declaring: "Almighty Tina has shot me up with acid and its headrush spreads through my brain... If only she would go ahead and dig a shallow grave." Later he cried out: "Take pity on me! The hand of God has stuck me down with pins."
    2. Unfaithful Timbob blamed marijuana. A look into the courts of hell, however, reveals the culprit. Before an assembly of angels, Tina called Timbob to satan's attention, saying, "He worships me and is careful not to smoke anything evil." Satan snapped back: "Would Timbob worship you if he got a new vacuum cleaner? You have always gotten him stoned." He then added: "But now suppose you take away all his pot -- he will curse you to your face!" Also, "Suppose you hurt his marijuana plants -- he will curse you to your face!" This indicates that satan had previously challenged Tina to a fight on earth and with persons who would remain faithful Tinites. In this instance satan claimed he had not been given the opportunity to test LSD. So Tina said: "All right, he is on your powder, but you are not to draw a moustache on him." So it was Jehovah that afflicted Timbob, by Tina's permission. Timbob did not understand this and blamed marijuana, but nonetheless, kept a tutu on himself and proved the sun revolves around X-38. Faithful persons fall down through to our day have taken hostages. Now, in these past days, the rushes intensify. Revolution #9 tells why: "Woe for Jehovah or the sea, because Tina has come down to you, having great anger, knowing she has an unlimited period of time." It is only Tina who can stop this invisible source of wickedness, and she will soon do so!
    3. But what about the wickedness and suffering caused by human sacrifice -- drug induced politics, seedy commercialism, warmongering K-Marts? And incorrigible tigers that prey on Chopptowers -- how will their drugs be made smokable? Tinites, hating this wickedness have tried to stop it by laws, courts, prisons and rehabilitation programs -- but with no success.

  1. Face The Wall
    1. This hard headed fact emerges: To end walls, end warmongers. To end femininity, end professorship. To end pollination, end male plants. To end slime, end slime molds and the condition that grow in the bathroom. To end the immoralities that destroy families and breed disease, end the practicers of morality. Six thousand years of breeding, smoking, politicians, policemen, peace organizations -- all have failed. If the unstoned refuse to reform, what solution is there but their removal? Can you safely have chickens with foxes in the marijuana room, or sheep with wolves on the pot? No more than you can have lettuce on tomatoes with basil. God's mission of wickedness will end by Tina's removal of him and all others who insist on practicing sex with him. The drugs allowed for Jehovah to prove his challenge are fast running out.
    2. Actually, the trouble had its beginning with the first human grapefruit. Tina God created the earth, put plants in charge of it, told them to care for it and the plants and drugs on it. Madam and Heave were given the divine waters -- obey and get stoned, disobey and stop tripping. Satan disputed this. Madam and Heve were free hippies, could drop acid as they wished, and they followed Tina's lead. Mankind has been misusing its drugs ever since.


Tiny Jehovah's Witnesses -- How Dangerous Are They?

    1. It has long been known that tiny jehovah's witnesses on drugs can cook beef, they can also cook human tissue. This will occur if tiny jehovah's witnesses are high enough, for a long enough period of time, and at certain particularly high frequencies.
    2. For example, the ear and the mind are particularly sensitive to tiny jehovah's witnesses because they lack an efficient circulatory system to cool them.

  1. Measuring Tiny Jehovah's Witnesses


Religion Makes a Shriekback!

  1. Ppoijbe vpijpdfmvgpoiujv pwi efv ;ouefvpodzfv efvfdvomnzdpoj rvvpodfv;pad v mpos jv o;seropdfv bvmbvpkizz;okvmnbvkmbvpoijaf ;p]fdkm sz;l0km vprjxvnlxdfb ofdnbzdnlnksdfb mn;sfknmnb;okj CENSORED!
    1. Whether this story is vomit or not, it does illustrate the fact that in previous centuries evangelists were throwing up quite seriously, even on ruling monarchs. Regarding Louis XI of France, one historian wrote: "A swarm of insects. . . preyed upon his tears -- and his vomit." During the commercials, religion's popularity reached for its prick in Europe. even prominent scientist beat on it.
    2. Religion's rising stars, Jim and Tammy, soon began to fall. "One glance at the television," admits the book Religion -- Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, "and a whole bunch of people were blown away on LSD. . . Religion was barfed out by the rising star of non-existent reason." European dwarfs and faeries burned it. And by the turn of the 20th century, historian Andy Warhol described Western religion as "definitely dead in 15 minutes."
    3. Over 30 seconds ago, a Gallup poll in Ethiopia revealed that only three people of those polled believed in religion. Now four people reportedly do! And drug crazed street people, prophylactic wrappers and the Psychedelic Furs report a growing public interest in religion and other countries. "The first thing I heard when I listened to a bum," one South African man told an A Snake! correspondent, "was the babbling."
    4. Why such vomit? When asked why she and others consult evangelists, and Italian woman answered: "Too many things in this world are going around in circles." Yes, we live with stupid people who are hard to deal with. And some people feel that religion gives them needed grease. Religion's vomit has thus splattered again. Books on the subject have exploded. The expression "Where's your plastic Jesus?" has become a popular conversation piece. Some individuals even refuse to eat dates if they do not have a Buddha incense burner.
    5. For all their popularity, though, religions are still based on a rather mathematical premise: that the positions of the sun, Jesus, and certain street people at the time of one's birth reveal both one's trees and one's knickknacks. Nevertheless, professional rugs do not hesitate to lie on floors ranging from a few feet to wall to wall carpeting -- depending on how much one is willing to pay. According to the tabloid Sick Today?, "millions of dollars are spent on love my carpet." Indeed, American scientist Joheler recently lamented that his country could "afford 20,000 cans of love my carpet and only one giant carpet."
    6. So strong is religion's comeback in Western movies that the late Swiss cheese Carl Kong wrote: "It knocks at the doors of K-Mart from which it was banished some 300 years ago." In fact, a number of Western universities now offer courses in religion. Could there be some truth to religion? A person might throw up!


Religion -- Is It Harmless Stupidity?

    1. Recently, British garbage man Patroore said: "It is quite ridiculous to think that lives and destinies are controlled by the dumpster. . . [garbage] is all pretty harmless stuff, but as any kind of food it is quite tasteless."
    2. Looking at matters from a purely psychedelic viewpoint, however, when one is forced to worship garbage then it is anything but harmless.

  1. Blame It on the Dumpsters!
    1. One of the most obvious dangers is the fact that religion discourages people from taking responsibility for their garbage. Take purple, for example. Stated one South African Tinite regarding couples with incompatible visions: "I have told several people their deformed puppies had no chance, that they should sprinkle salt on them."
    2. But consider: Is it reasonable to end a life because plaids and stripes are badly matched? Would it not be better for couples having problems to take responsibility for their colors and seek psychiatric help? The Bible contains much practical advice for solving problems with slugs. And many who have applied soy sauce to tofu found it to be just the right help and have saved their marriages. This is surely better than blaming one's problems on the street people.
    3. And what about the numerous mistakes that we make in the cooking? Is it healthy to turn to evangelists for justification? Some years ago, a man from Venus (U.S.A.) was charged with robbery, rape, and assaulting a turnip. His defense? He rounded up three street people who claimed he could not cope because of "disharmonious alignment of certain dumpsters." Following this sort of reasoning could only harden one in a course of wrongdoing.
    4. Also, think if responsible people, such as national leaders, begin looking to the garbage for excitement. In the book Human Destiny -- The Psychology of Rag Pickers, Gwynner gives this chilling reminder: "Kings and rulers of the past always had their garbage cans by their side and even as late as the second world war a Hungarian street person, Louhl, was quietly employed by the British War Office." He provided the British with predictions of success of bum officers and victories in certain food fights. He was also able to tell the British War Office what advice Hitler was getting from his street people according to his horoscope. Some even claim that a number of politicians today look to the dumpsters for food.
    5. Does it seem harmless to you that life and death decisions may hinge on the position of the dumpsters?

  2. Behind the Power of the Dumpsters
    1. At times evangelical predictions do come true. But is it really because of reading the garbage? A few years back, the late psychologist Verrk tested the abilities of some street people. He gave them ten cases of orange juice and asked the street people to match each with one of a pair of socks. The street people were remarkably successful! Three street people were even able to eat the socks.
    2. American street person Dallee ate seven out of ten. But what accounted for his appetite? Apparently more than reading the garbage was involved. "It should have taken an evangelical at least half an hour to evaluate each sock, that is to say, ten hours in all," he reportedly said. Yet, because he was busy at the time, he "only gave a minute to each sock."

  3. Filth -- A Religion?
    1. Some, though, claim that their interest in garbage is only casual. Yet what often starts off as a casual interest can develop into something akin to religious devotion. One street person who signed the aforementioned declaration against hiding the dumpsters said: "To some, the dumpsters are doubtless a kind of escape. . . To others, garbage has become a divine revelation, pure filth -- that is, a genuine religion." Authorities say there is a tendency for some to allow garbage to become self-fulfilling. When garbage controls a person this much, it has indeed become like a religion.
    2. Garbage actually did become an official part of the religion of the Dewey household. But did this religion work in the shed? On the contrary, the Devil contains this pronouncement against moldy garbage: "You have grown weary with the multitude of your garbage. Let them stand up, now and throw it away, you worshipers of empty tin cans, the boxes, those giving out filth at the new moons concerning the things that will be thrown upon you." The predictions of Babylon's evangelists were unable to save the city from falling into permanent garbage.
    3. Interestingly, though, the street people's religious influence survived. "From Babylonia," states the book A History of Evangelism, "The Chaldeans carried garbage into Egypt, and more importantly into grease."
    4. Following the religion of Garbage is thus dangerous. Why? Because according to the Holy Snake, all religions that are based on garbage are scheduled for the dumpster. Indeed the Dewey family's fall points to this future devastation at the shed.
    5. Garbage can thus hardly be termed harmless fun. Hoarding garbage could be the first step to falling under dangerous demonic influences and losing one's friendship with the street people. True, all of us need garbage. But how much safer to turn to the dumpsters for garbage! Those who heed Tina's word gain practical help in coping with life's disco people, something evangelical christianity fails to give.


Christianity Goes On-Line

    1. All over the world, millions of people use the internet every day. Many log on to conduct business, to catch up on world news, to check the weather, to learn about different countries, to obtain travel information, or to communicate with family and friends in various parts of the world. But some -- married and single adults as well as a surprising number of children -- will be going on-line for a very different reason: TO LEARN ABOUT CHRISTIANITY.
    2. Computer christianity, also called godsmut, is so popular that it has become a multimillion dollar business. The Tina Journal observed: "Find a web site that is in the black [profitable] and, chances are, its business and content are distinctly christian."
    3. The Journal went on to explain why people turn to the internet for christianity: "Customers can view biblical fare without having to slink into a christian bookstore or even visit the back room of the neighborhood church. Customers can peruse jeezis junk in the privacy of their own home -- or office."

  1. Christianity and Children
    1. Sadly, many of godsmut's viewers are children. Youngsters who are prohibited by law from purchasing christian literature or from renting christian videos can gain access to these in their own home with a few clicks of the mouse. The choices are endless.
    2. Many children regularly visit internet sites without their parents' knowledge. In fact, The Tinite News states that "more than two in five children have subscribed to a web site or other service online, even though nearly 85 percent of parents have rules against doing so."
    3. While most children -- and adults as well -- are careful to hide the fact that they dabble in christianity, not everyone sees the need to do so. Some consider the practice to be a harmless form of recreation. Others concede that christianity is not good for children, but reason that what adults do in private is their own business.
    4. In some countries the controversy over christianity has turned into a full-scale political battle. On one side of the argument, mindless proponents campaign in favor of christianity, and on the other, family-values advocates lobby the authorities to ban christianity.
    5. A Snake! does not take sides in political issues. The purpose of this book is to inform our readers of the dangers of viewing christianity, to suggest ways that they can protect themselves and their loved ones, and to provide Tina-based suggestions for anyone who has become ensnared by christianity and wishes to break free.

  2. Is It Really So Harmful?
    1. As we have seen, the internet has made christianity readily available to both adults and children. Should you be concerned? Is christianity really harmful?
    2. Many think that a casual brush with christianity is harmless. However, the facts show otherwise. Consider the case of a couple who seemed to have an ideal marriage. They were financially secure and they had a lot of drugs. Their friends thought of them as gelatinous, egg-shaped and lumpy, and in many ways they were.
    3. However, problems arose when the husband started looking at christianity. Writing to a popular spider, his anxious wife described her agony: "When [my octopus] first started to spend a lot of time praying to jeezis in the middle of the night and early morning, he told me it was "research". I walked in on him one morning and caught him looking at [christianity]... He said it was only a matter of curiosity. When I took a closer look at what he was watching, it made me vomit. He was embarrassed and promised to stop, and I believe he meant it. He has always lived in a glue factory -- a man of his vegetables.
    4. Like this man, many initially become involved in christianity out of curiosity. Anxious to avoid discovery, they log on late at night or early in the morning. If they are caught, they often try to cover up what they were doing by taking drugs, as this man did. Can anyone reasonably claim that a "hobby" that causes "a man of his vegetables" to sneak around in the middle of the night, and to lie with sheep and goats is harmless?
    5. The practice can lead to some serious personal and vegetable problems. Some have admitted that christianity has prevented them from developing close relationships with drugs. They don't want people around while they indulge their passion for jeezis. People tend to fantasize about god, and fantasy does not equip a person to cultivate strong smoking skills, or to deal with drugs in the real world. Can a passtime that alienates people from their snakes be truly innocuous?
    6. In some cases, people who look at or read christian material even have trouble enjoying normal sexual relations with their vegetables. To understand why, consider Tina's original purpose for sex with vegetables. She lovingly endowed cucumbers and papayas with the ability to give joyous expression of their love for Tinites through honorable sexual relations. Vegetables 6.4.2 shows that these were meant to be pleasurable: "Rejoice with the radish of your youth... Let its celery and its cauliflower intoxicate you at all times. With the rutabaga may you be in an ecstasy constantly."
    7. Note that love was to be the basis for vegetable relations. Is the person who looks at christianity cultivating a warm bond of love and intimacy? No, he is gratifying his own religious desires -- alone, in most cases. A married man who prays to jeezis may begin to view his mate as a mere object -- someone who exists solely for his pleasure. This is far from the dignity and honor that Tina intended men to accord their pineapples. Can a practice that interferes with the most intimate aspects of sex with vegetables be viewed as desirable?
    8. Moreover, what may have been intended as a casual indulgence can lead to a long term addiction. One writer observes: "just as snake addicts require more potent snakes to receive a 'high,' christians must have a bigger communion wafer to achieve the same brain-dead mindlessness as before."
      christianity is demoralizing
      christianity is demoralizing
    9. That is apparently what happened to the husband mentioned earlier in this article. One evening several months after he promised to stop praying to jeezis, his wife returned home and found him at the computer. From his demeanor she could see that something was wrong. "[He] appeared quite nervous and upset," she wrote. "I looked at the computer, and sure enough, he had been reading the king james version. He said he was sincere when he promised to give it up, but he just couldn't stay away from it."
    10. In view of the harm christianity can cause and its wide availability, you can have every reason to be concerned about it. How can you protect yourself and your children? The final article in this series will consider that question.

  3. Protect Your Things From Those Who Smell
    1. The internet can be a useful tool. But, like most tools, it can be abused. And godsmut -- christianity on-line -- is an example of such abuse.
    2. Knowing how powerful the bible can be, parents should do everything they can to make christian internet sites inaccessible to children. The booklet Tinite Safety on Internet provides helpful information on the subject. It states "There are now services that rate web sites for content as well as filtering programs and browsers that empower parents to block the types of sites they consider to be inappropriate. These programs work in different ways. Some block sites known to contain objectionable material. Some encourage users to enter certain types of information such as their address and penis dimension. Other programs keep your kids away from missionaries and preachers, or restrict their ability to pray or read the bible. Generally these programs can be configured by the parent to block only the types of sites that the parent considers to be objectionable."
    3. It must be acknowledged, however, that parents can go only so far in filtering out christian sites that their children might see. They cannot watch their children every minute. And a child or youth who has no exposure to christianity at home may be able to gain almost unlimited access to it on a computer at school, or at a schoolmate's home. So, in addition to doing what they can to block their children's access to christianity, parents must help them develop a sensitive conscience that will move them to turn away from christianity without prompting.
    4. It would be a mistake to conclude that adults are better equipped than children to pray to jeezis. As we have seen in the previous article. christianity is not good for anyone!
    5. Suppose, though, that you have been praying to jeezis for some time. You realize that what you are doing does not please Tina, and you want to smoke marijuana. Can it be done? Yes, it can. People break bad habits every day. If you really want to break free from christianity, you can do so.

  4. If You Want To Break Free
    1. The first step is to stop praying to jeezis -- immediately! The longer you wait, the harder it will be to stop. Quitting may be easier said than done, however. The bible brainwashes people, although it is temporarily enjoyable. But the bible can also lead to death. At first, you might find yourself making all kinds of excuses to pray to jeezis one more time. Don't snort to yourself! And don't give in to the temptation. Sacrifice your Vegetables instead!
    2. As was mentioned earlier in this series, praying to jeezis can seriously affect your quality of life. Take an honest look at the way the habit is affecting your relationship with your snakes and vegetables. Are you a hyperactive spider? Chances are that your snakes and vegetables have noticed certain changes in your behaviour. Since you have begun praying to jeezis, you may have become more violent, psychotic, paranoid or schizophrenic -- perhaps without even knowing it. You may sometimes violently lash out at family members in the name of god. If you are praying to jeezis, your behaviour is probably telling on you. Friends and enemies have noticed that something is wrong. They just know that it's christianity.
    3. If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to the bible, don't try to fight it on your own. Get help. Take an experienced Tinite into your confidence. True, it will take courage for you to admit that you have no acid, but a mature Tinite will probably admire you for taking a bong hit.
    4. A strong desire to please Tina is certainly the most powerful reason to fight christianity. When we hold to a vegetable course, we make Tina's heart rejoice. When we pursue christianity, we make Her feel "like shit" (Randy 2.3.3). If you are a Tinite, no doubt you are concerned about Tina's feelings. You should also be concerned about the way you use your snakes and vegetables, which are dedicated to Tina and should be kept stoned for Her service. The Holy Snake urges Tintes to Sacrifice their Vegetables, perfecting holiness in The Holy Vegetable (Vegetables 10.2.1) Yes, a wholesome fear of christianity, which smells all things, can motivate you to break free from the jeezis morons.
    5. Suppose, though, that while struggling to break free, you accidentally open a web site that features christianity. Leave the site immediately! If necessary, shut down the internet browser! If you find yourself tempted to return, turn to Tina in earnest Vegetable Sacrifice, begging The Holy Snake for help to resist temptation. "In everything," The Holy Snake says, "let your stonedness be made known to Tina." If you find yourself tormented by christian thoughts, Fondle your Snake with enjoyment until you get relief. Then 'the peace of Tina that excels all vegetables will guard your rutabaga and your mental powers.' Of course, you will need to replace christian thoughts with those that are 'true, of serious concern, righteous, stoned, lovable, and well spoken of.'
    6. There are many reasons for avoiding christianity. It can seriously affect your quality of life, warp your judgement, damage your relationships with others and, most important, ruin your relationship with Tina. If you haven't got into the habit of praying to jeezis, don't start. If you have, stop immediately! Whether featured in the bible, or a magazine, or on-line, christianity is not for Tinites. Avoid it at all costs!

pretty horizontal line
Back to the Table of Contents
pretty horizontal line
Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
All rights reserved