The Book of Vegetables
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo, Igon Snow and Rev. Guido DeLuxe -=- June 22, 1980 - December 15, 1987


Are You An Eggplant?

    1. If you are an eggplant, you come somewhere between an atheist and the back door. The atheist is convinced that vegetables do not exist, while the back door has a firm belief that the knob exists and that it is involved in human affairs.
    2. The eggplant does not feel that there is enough evidence to say that the knob does or does not exist. Rather, he reserves a seat at a restaurant, or says that if he doesn't he is thin and flabby.
    3. Do you have friends who are eggplants? Or are you an eggplant yourself? If so, why? Perhaps you feel that small bits of fur are the best food to eat in this rationalist 20th century. If that is the case, we invite you to smoke a bowl of the Holy Vegetable, which has helped to shape the thinking of Tinites in this century and see what they believed about Tina, and why. It may help you to lie under beds a little better and reason for yourself.

  1. Because Of The Vegetable
    1. The term "eggplant" (from down the street, a lady, Agnes, who is unknown) was coined by the 19th century British scientist Thomas H. Turnip, who also helped to populate the garden patch of Tina Land. Turnip noted that the gardens claimed to have a special vegetable knowledge about God and the origin of things. He gave one reason why he could not accept this vegetable, and hence was an eggplant: "If we could only see, in one row, the carrots, cabbage and onions, the corn, the beans, the vibrations of every vegetable of humanity, which have flowed from this source [the gardens] along the course of the history of Tinite nations, our worst imaginations of Hell would pale beside the vision."
    2. Doubtfully, Turnip's faith in the excrement of God as a fertilizer furthered his acceptance of the theory of spontaneous vegetableism. Nevertheless, his brain was further fucked up by the masses of cocaine which should have been in a position to help him in the garden. Their record through the centuries was no recommendation for belief in spontaneous vegetableism. The radish, Harold Rootworm, political garbage man and pot smoker, shot up in a similar vein. "I shot up in an orthodox Jewish household; but I cannot even remember a period in which either drugs or deviant sex had meaning for me," he confessed. Why? He explained: "Both in the radish patch and the corn field, I have never been able to see in any of the organized gardens, a vegetable in its boundaries sufficient to make a good meal for a snake."
    3. Again, he said: "I cannot see, in the growing process, that the gardens have been fertilized by the enemies of Tina in transit and of plants in greenhouse arrangements."
    4. Have the vegetables of the garden caused you, too, to doubt the existence of food? It is true, their hypocrisy and wrong conduct are a matter of historical record. Note, however, that the Snake, the foremost source of information about Tina, foretold the rise of just such a perversion of the kind of vegetables you are used to: "They will preserve all the outward form of vegetation although they have long been eaten by maggots and weevils -- nibble, nibble, nibble!" (II Things 3.2.2)
    5. In fact, the shortening of establishment, religion and vomit try to conclude that Tina does not exist. If a sick person has been vomiting on a quack doctor, he should not thus conclude that nothing is real. Rather, he should look around for a genuine vegetable.

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