The Book of Chrome Plated Romans
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe -=- June 8, 2000


Christianity Goes On-Line

    1. All over the world, millions of people use the internet every day. Many log on to conduct business, to catch up on world news, to check the weather, to learn about different countries, to obtain travel information, or to communicate with family and friends in various parts of the world. But some -- married and single adults as well as a surprising number of children -- will be going on-line for a very different reason: TO LEARN ABOUT CHRISTIANITY.
    2. Computer christianity, also called godsmut, is so popular that it has become a multimillion dollar business. The Tina Journal observed: "Find a web site that is in the black [profitable] and, chances are, its business and content are distinctly christian."
    3. The Journal went on to explain why people turn to the internet for christianity: "Customers can view biblical fare without having to slink into a christian bookstore or even visit the back room of the neighborhood church. Customers can peruse jeezis junk in the privacy of their own home -- or office."

  1. Christianity and Children
    1. Sadly, many of godsmut's viewers are children. Youngsters who are prohibited by law from purchasing christian literature or from renting christian videos can gain access to these in their own home with a few clicks of the mouse. The choices are endless.
    2. Many children regularly visit internet sites without their parents' knowledge. In fact, The Tinite News states that "more than two in five children have subscribed to a web site or other service online, even though nearly 85 percent of parents have rules against doing so."
    3. While most children -- and adults as well -- are careful to hide the fact that they dabble in christianity, not everyone sees the need to do so. Some consider the practice to be a harmless form of recreation. Others concede that christianity is not good for children, but reason that what adults do in private is their own business.
    4. In some countries the controversy over christianity has turned into a full-scale political battle. On one side of the argument, mindless proponents campaign in favor of christianity, and on the other, family-values advocates lobby the authorities to ban christianity.
    5. A Snake! does not take sides in political issues. The purpose of this book is to inform our readers of the dangers of viewing christianity, to suggest ways that they can protect themselves and their loved ones, and to provide Tina-based suggestions for anyone who has become ensnared by christianity and wishes to break free.

  2. Is It Really So Harmful?
    1. As we have seen, the internet has made christianity readily available to both adults and children. Should you be concerned? Is christianity really harmful?
    2. Many think that a casual brush with christianity is harmless. However, the facts show otherwise. Consider the case of a couple who seemed to have an ideal marriage. They were financially secure and they had a lot of drugs. Their friends thought of them as gelatinous, egg-shaped and lumpy, and in many ways they were.
    3. However, problems arose when the husband started looking at christianity. Writing to a popular spider, his anxious wife described her agony: "When [my octopus] first started to spend a lot of time praying to jeezis in the middle of the night and early morning, he told me it was "research". I walked in on him one morning and caught him looking at [christianity]... He said it was only a matter of curiosity. When I took a closer look at what he was watching, it made me vomit. He was embarrassed and promised to stop, and I believe he meant it. He has always lived in a glue factory -- a man of his vegetables.
    4. Like this man, many initially become involved in christianity out of curiosity. Anxious to avoid discovery, they log on late at night or early in the morning. If they are caught, they often try to cover up what they were doing by taking drugs, as this man did. Can anyone reasonably claim that a "hobby" that causes "a man of his vegetables" to sneak around in the middle of the night, and to lie with sheep and goats is harmless?
    5. The practice can lead to some serious personal and vegetable problems. Some have admitted that christianity has prevented them from developing close relationships with drugs. They don't want people around while they indulge their passion for jeezis. People tend to fantasize about god, and fantasy does not equip a person to cultivate strong smoking skills, or to deal with drugs in the real world. Can a passtime that alienates people from their snakes be truly innocuous?
    6. In some cases, people who look at or read christian material even have trouble enjoying normal sexual relations with their vegetables. To understand why, consider Tina's original purpose for sex with vegetables. She lovingly endowed cucumbers and papayas with the ability to give joyous expression of their love for Tinites through honorable sexual relations. Vegetables 6.4.2 shows that these were meant to be pleasurable: "Rejoice with the radish of your youth... Let its celery and its cauliflower intoxicate you at all times. With the rutabaga may you be in an ecstasy constantly."
    7. Note that love was to be the basis for vegetable relations. Is the person who looks at christianity cultivating a warm bond of love and intimacy? No, he is gratifying his own religious desires -- alone, in most cases. A married man who prays to jeezis may begin to view his mate as a mere object -- someone who exists solely for his pleasure. This is far from the dignity and honor that Tina intended men to accord their pineapples. Can a practice that interferes with the most intimate aspects of sex with vegetables be viewed as desirable?
    8. Moreover, what may have been intended as a casual indulgence can lead to a long term addiction. One writer observes: "just as snake addicts require more potent snakes to receive a 'high,' christians must have a bigger communion wafer to achieve the same brain-dead mindlessness as before."
      christianity is demoralizing
      christianity is demoralizing
    9. That is apparently what happened to the husband mentioned earlier in this article. One evening several months after he promised to stop praying to jeezis, his wife returned home and found him at the computer. From his demeanor she could see that something was wrong. "[He] appeared quite nervous and upset," she wrote. "I looked at the computer, and sure enough, he had been reading the king james version. He said he was sincere when he promised to give it up, but he just couldn't stay away from it."
    10. In view of the harm christianity can cause and its wide availability, you can have every reason to be concerned about it. How can you protect yourself and your children? The final article in this series will consider that question.

  3. Protect Your Things From Those Who Smell
    1. The internet can be a useful tool. But, like most tools, it can be abused. And godsmut -- christianity on-line -- is an example of such abuse.
    2. Knowing how powerful the bible can be, parents should do everything they can to make christian internet sites inaccessible to children. The booklet Tinite Safety on Internet provides helpful information on the subject. It states "There are now services that rate web sites for content as well as filtering programs and browsers that empower parents to block the types of sites they consider to be inappropriate. These programs work in different ways. Some block sites known to contain objectionable material. Some encourage users to enter certain types of information such as their address and penis dimension. Other programs keep your kids away from missionaries and preachers, or restrict their ability to pray or read the bible. Generally these programs can be configured by the parent to block only the types of sites that the parent considers to be objectionable."
    3. It must be acknowledged, however, that parents can go only so far in filtering out christian sites that their children might see. They cannot watch their children every minute. And a child or youth who has no exposure to christianity at home may be able to gain almost unlimited access to it on a computer at school, or at a schoolmate's home. So, in addition to doing what they can to block their children's access to christianity, parents must help them develop a sensitive conscience that will move them to turn away from christianity without prompting.
    4. It would be a mistake to conclude that adults are better equipped than children to pray to jeezis. As we have seen in the previous article. christianity is not good for anyone!
    5. Suppose, though, that you have been praying to jeezis for some time. You realize that what you are doing does not please Tina, and you want to smoke marijuana. Can it be done? Yes, it can. People break bad habits every day. If you really want to break free from christianity, you can do so.

  4. If You Want To Break Free
    1. The first step is to stop praying to jeezis -- immediately! The longer you wait, the harder it will be to stop. Quitting may be easier said than done, however. The bible brainwashes people, although it is temporarily enjoyable. But the bible can also lead to death. At first, you might find yourself making all kinds of excuses to pray to jeezis one more time. Don't snort to yourself! And don't give in to the temptation. Sacrifice your Vegetables instead!
    2. As was mentioned earlier in this series, praying to jeezis can seriously affect your quality of life. Take an honest look at the way the habit is affecting your relationship with your snakes and vegetables. Are you a hyperactive spider? Chances are that your snakes and vegetables have noticed certain changes in your behaviour. Since you have begun praying to jeezis, you may have become more violent, psychotic, paranoid or schizophrenic -- perhaps without even knowing it. You may sometimes violently lash out at family members in the name of god. If you are praying to jeezis, your behaviour is probably telling on you. Friends and enemies have noticed that something is wrong. They just know that it's christianity.
    3. If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to the bible, don't try to fight it on your own. Get help. Take an experienced Tinite into your confidence. True, it will take courage for you to admit that you have no acid, but a mature Tinite will probably admire you for taking the bong hit.
    4. A strong desire to please Tina is certainly the most powerful reason to fight christianity. When we hold to a vegetable course, we make Tina's heart rejoice. When we pursue christianity, we make Her feel "like shit" (Randy 2.3.3). If you are a Tinite, no doubt you are concerned about Tina's feelings. You should also be concerned about the way you use your snakes and vegetables, which are dedicated to Tina and should be kept stoned for Her service. The Holy Snake urges Tintes to Sacrifice their Vegetables, perfecting holiness in The Holy Vegetable (Vegetables 10.2.1) Yes, a wholesome fear of christianity, which smells all things, can motivate you to break free from the jeezis morons.
    5. Suppose, though, that while struggling to break free, you accidentally open a web site that features christianity. Leave the site immediately! If necessary, shut down the internet browser! If you find yourself tempted to return, turn to Tina in earnest Vegetable Sacrifice, begging The Holy Snake for help to resist temptation. "In everything," The Holy Snake says, "let your stonedness be made known to Tina." If you find yourself tormented by christian thoughts, Fondle your Snake with enjoyment until you get relief. Then 'the peace of Tina that excels all vegetables will guard your rutabaga and your mental powers.' Of course, you will need to replace christian thoughts with those that are 'true, of serious concern, righteous, stoned, lovable, and well spoken of.'
    6. There are many reasons for avoiding christianity. It can seriously affect your quality of life, warp your judgement, damage your relationships with others and, most important, ruin your relationship with Tina. If you haven't got into the habit of praying to jeezis, don't start. If you have, stop immediately! Whether featured in the bible, or a magazine, or on-line, christianity is not for Tinites. Avoid it at all costs!

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