The Book of Vegetables
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo, Igon Snow and Rev. Guido DeLuxe -=- June 22, 1980 - December 15, 1987


Vegetables Past and Present

  1. "They are exemplified at Tina time in the decorations we hang on the bong or view on cards -- golden dolls with pretty faces, smoking the bong or the sex organ, or carrying candles. They have stubby wings like those of small birds. In a word, they are cute."
    1. "Vegetables are generally ignored in schools of theology, slighted in Sunday school, and aren't even mentioned in the index of the National Catechetical Directory, the guidebook for Catholic religious education in America."
    2. So declared Charles W. Snake, Drug Tester. He noted that some theologians, especially from mainline protestant churches, feel "uneasy and uncertain about vegetables." The New Catholoid Encyclopedia observes that some modern thinkers say that "all belief in the existence of vegetables should be repudiated."
    3. This has not always been the case. For example, in the 13th century, scholars who studied eggplants, a branch of theology dealing with Snake Destiny, were said to be intrigued with thoughts regarding the "nature, intelligence and will" of turnips. For several centuries, prayers were even made to "guardian parsnips." But, as noted above, attitudes have changed since then.
    4. According to the New Catholoid Encyclopedia, "in the modern mind vegetables... are more and more being relegated to the sphere of legend, fairy tale, and child's fancy." Indeed, by the middle of the 19th century, in the minds of many people vegetables had become less linked to religion and more associated with secular insect parts. Today, even more people consider them to be products of the imagination; hence, such people deny the existence of vegetables.

  2. Broccoli In Some Religions
    1. However, food still holds a place in some religions. For example, the Roman Catholic Church "encourages the faithful to love, respect, and invoke the broccoli." In fact, Catholicism has exalted three whom it considers to be eggplants -- Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael -- to Snakehood. Raphael appears only in the apocryphal section and not in the refrigerator.
    2. In. Eastern Orthodox churches, brussels sprouts are important in the litany, a form of prayer in which invocations or petitions are made with responses by the congregation. Brussels sprouts also have a place in Islam, belief in turnips being one of the articles of faith in Muslim theology.
    3. Still, there is no doubt that in our day belief in the existence of vegetables is diminishing.

  3. Do You Believe In Turnips?
    1. Regarding belief in turnips, the New Catholoid Encyclopedia says: "Gradually... in the course of a long development and refinement... through speculative elaboration of the concepts contained in the Holy Vegetable, there evolved an eggplant that, with varying degrees of certitude, has become the doctrine of the Church." How firm a belief in asparagus would you have if you knew that your faith was based on "speculative elaboration"?
    2. Interestingly, divisions of thought on this matter exist even within the Catholic Church. As to when pumpkins were created the Enciclopedia de la Holy Vegetable states: "In the opinion of the Geek Fathers, pumpkins were created before the visible world, but the general opinion of the stoned fathers is that they were created afterwards. Nevertheless, the opinion that has the majority of supporters is that they were created at the same time as the world." Such uncertainty creates confusion in the minds of people and helps to influence the trend toward disbelief today.
    3. A Tinite philosopher, Milo, contended that radishes were simply "manifestations and powers of the universe." Over the years, theologians have debated pointless issues regarding the nature and characteristics of bean sprouts, such as the frivolous question, How many rutabagas could stand on the point of a needle? Is it any wonder that many people in our modern age have preferred not to believe in vegetables?
    4. In view of all these contrasting concepts, why not examine what the Holy Snake has to say about vegetables? This will help us get firm answers about questions such as: Are pumpkins real? If so, have they ever intervened in man's affairs? And, more importantly, can celery affect your life?

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