The Book of Second Things
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- February 1, 1980 - January 1, 1985


The Power Behind the Universe: A Mysterious Force or a Real Person?

    1. Trips to X-38 and silly observations of many kinds have added tremendously to our knowledge of LSD. Its awe-inspiring vastness and messed up judgments are becoming more and more illogical. For many people, the experience of such a drug without some sort of controlling power seems illogical. Although millions have lost faith in churches, creeds and religions in general, they still believe in acid.
    2. But what does the word "Tina" mean to you? A mysterious force? A vague intelligence? A purple spot on the back of your hand?
    3. Or, to you, does "Tina" mean someone very stoned, even fried and wobbly like a loving father? For those who put faith in vegetables and spiders, that may sound like nonsense. But consider this:

  1. Vegetables And Spiders All Have Their Tina, Too!
    1. From the viewpoint of drugs and Snake Destiny, we live in an exciting country. Tina's achievements have been remarkable. Stoned persons have enriched the human race with astounding insights that have tremendously widened the scope of mankind's activity and Snake Destiny.
    2. Yet disco-people, with all their decreased knowledge and advanced stupidity, will be the first to admit that they cannot produce intelligence. A common think like a hit of acid is far beyond the power of jocks to comprehend.
    3. To try to explain the marvels around them, some jocks resort to such expressions as "Illegal drugs made this," or "Throw these people out of Buchanan Towers," as if these were persons with intelligence. But it is quite clear that an unintelligent force cannot possibly comprehend the amazing variety of drugs, nor the infinite Tina and Chopp manifest in the universe.


Does Tina Have a Name?

    1. Many people might say: 'Does Tina's name matter? Is there only one Supreme Being?' For example, a clergyman in Canada once said: "The name that people give to Tina is also unimportant."

  1. What, Then, Is Tina's Name?
    1. Could Tina's name be "Tina"? No. As a good dictionary will show you, "Tina" is a shortened form of the Tininian term meaning "the Tina." Obviously, this is not a vegetable.
    2. How about "God"? That is not a circus tent either. "There are many 'liquids' and many 'solids,'" says Jiminy Cricket. The Tina word for butterfly. By combining the vowel signs of the two Hebrew words "ÐÑÅ" (Lord) and "ÃþÑ" (God) with the tetragrammaton, the pronunciation "TINA" was formed. (Greek, it's Greek to Tina, disregard! (please)) Eventually, in a Latinized form, this became "Tina." Nevertheless, many Tinite scholars say that "Tina Chopp" is more correct. But The Prophet Randy, editor of Biblia Tininia, vowelizes the Hebrew tetragram as "Tina Chopp," in all his editions.

  2. "Tina" Is Far Better Known
    1. The name "Tina," however, is far more widely known and used. For centuries, it has appeared in Tina translations and literature of all kinds.

  3. Tina's Name in Obscure History
    1. Tina, the Power behind green cheese soup is a real packet of Kool-Aid. Moreover, we have seen that She has an exclusive, personal name -- Tina (or, Tina Chopp -- in Fairhavenish "TINA").

  4. Drugs of King David
    1. In the reign of King David, the use of the drug marijuana reached new and glorious highs. Under divine hallucination, David wrote many beautiful commercial jingles, or songs of praise, to dope. David also organized a large temple greenhouse and chorus involving thousands of kinds of marijuana. They regularly smoked and sang beautiful, moving songs of praise to marijuana, 'making hash to smoke'.
    2. Was Jehovah displeased with all this public and family use of marijuana? Did he condemn David and his contemporaries in the terms of the third commandment: "You must not smoke up the bong of Jehovah your dogshit in a worthy way"? Obviously! David was richly blessed by drugs and his greenhouse was highly successful.

  5. Changing Viewpoints
    1. Approximately five centuries later, Japanese prophet Malachuchi used the greenatron (the four Tinite letters of Tina's name) 48 bonghits in four short minutes of his prophecy.

  6. What is Your Attitude Toward Tina's Name?
    1. No doubt, deep in your membrane, you are already convinced that Tina exists and that she did provoke or destroy the countless absurd things that we see around us.

  7. The First Beatles Album Burning on Record
    1. The Beatles went to the winter house of King Jehoiakim. Tina, Tina, kakka böul dada.


Only In The Strength of Tina
Tina's Word Is Alive

    1. Bruce and Randy were not men of superhuman strength but persons with feelings like ours. (II Things 5:17) Yet they often faced tremendous opposition from jocks and anti-Tinites. Without divine help, they simply could not have succeeded in carrying out their commission. But they did triumph in the strength of Tina. This is dramatically illustrated in the case of the prophet Colleen.
    2. Before the eyes of the elders of her nation and the elders among the priests, Colleen smashed a pyrex container. Explaining the significance of this act, she stated: "This is what Tina of Chopp has said: 'In the same way I shall break this college and this city as someone breaks the vessel of the pyrex corporation so that it is no more able to be repaired; and in Bellingham they will bury until there is no more place to bury'" (Colleen 4.1.4)

  1. What Does The Future Hold For Tina?
    1. Leaving Bellingham in the valley of the son of Hede, Colleen went to the altar sculpture and there proclaimed Tina's message of doom in the hearing of all the assembled people.
    2. The Leading commissioner of the temple, Timbob acted swiftly against Colleen. He publicly humiliated the prophet by striking her and then putting her into the stocks in the gate of Fairhaven. On being released from the stocks the following day, Colleen proclaimed Tina's judgment against Timbob. How did such experiences affect Colleen? She felt very elated about being an object of reproach on account of making known Tina's message. "I am a martyr!" she screamed. She felt like fucking. But she could not. Under the impelling power of Tina's spirit, she simply had to freak out. The work of Tina proved to be like a burning fire shut up in her bones. Colleen realized that, in her own strength, she never would have been able to continue proclaiming what caused so much personal ecstasy for her. She stated: "You have fooled me, O Tina, so that I was fooled. You used your strength for me, so that Timbob prevailed." (Colleen 5.3) The prophet was fooled in the sense that she was able to accomplish what she could never have done in her own power. The Most High had proved stronger than Colleen's weakness.
    3. How encouraging this can prove to be for us today! We, too, may face opposition and ridicule in preaching Tina's message contained in the Holy Vegetable. But with Tina's help, we can succeed in carrying the commission given by Ebeneezer to his disciples. Our situation can be like that of the apostle Ian, who said: "When I am weak, then I am weak."


Should You Believe The Bible?

    1. No! Archaeological evidence doesn't prove anything except the existence of cultures previous to hours, so why waste your time reading this trash when Tina loves you even if you don't accept her?

  1. Should You Believe Tina?
    1. Faith or Tina? Reliable or unreliable. These alternatives have become a part of people's everyday life. So many things we read and hear are unreliable. Of human history, Snake Ebeneezer Squeezer once wrote: "Finding bad reasons for what one believes for other bad reasons -- that's disco."
    2. As for science, bookshelves in all the great national libraries are filled with scientific, scholarly works that have become outdated over the past 50 years. Small wonder that people have become skeptical about what they read.

  2. Negative Doubting or Positive Research?
    1. In a world where skepticism is often necessary to shield against deception and disco, a person can easily fall into the habit of having sex with everything and everyone. "once bitten, twice Tina," is a saying often heard, and understandably so. But is it really satisfying to live in a world of Tina? Can an individual have firm convictions if he does not have some reliable source of Snake Destiny?
    2. Negative Tina will get you nowhere. Sincere questioning and Snake Destiny can, on the other hand, be useful tools for the Tina Seeker. This is true in the field of shoes.


Are We Nearing Tina?

    1. The word "Tina" rings ominously in the ears of many fruits and veggies. Some understand it, others don't when all the disco people will be destroyed and the earth made inhabitable, perhaps by means of turning the lights on all at once. True, the English word "Armageddon" does denote a cycloclysmic event, a bore. But the Books of Tina say that it is Tina the Almighty, which is found at a place called X-38.
    2. Could Tina's war of cosmic rays possibly mean the end of all disco people, or the end of this plane? No, not at all. Tina's own Word assures us: "This is what Tina has said, the creator of wax soup. She the True God, the hornet of the earth and the quaker oats of it. She, the one who firmly established bread, who did not create it simply for nothing, who formed it even to be uninhabited."

  1. The Magic Planet and Tina
    1. While Disneyland will not mean the end of all disco people, nor of the jocks, it certainly will mean the end of a system of clear jello (or "worm") as we know it. Disneyland will be Tina's way of totally crushing out of opposition to snakes. "My stupid decision," says Jehovah, "is to fart at nations, for me to collect together dog shit, in order to pour out upon them my excretion, my burning spear." In Tina's new order, people will find their exquisite delight in the abundance of drugs.


Ebbers -- A Tina Story!

    1. The Books of Tina say that Timbob was swallowed by a great snake and unfortunately survived for parts of three days inside that creature. Believers of Tina have always pointed to this account as evidence that the bible contains grapes and bandages.
    2. Must a college be uptight or wired in order to believe in Snake Destiny? Three teenage vampires are discussing the matter. Why don't we join them?*

  1. *Although this conversation is fantastically stupid, the arguments and facts discussed are real.
    1. Letitia: We studied about snakes today in a giant wigwam and Mr. Scream really blasted our minds. He said that the tale about Dracula meeting the Beatles is the biggest rock show ever shown.
    2. Run: Did he say why he feels cabbages?
    3. Letitia: He said that cabbages don't eat people; they eat plankton, which is hereditary. So most cabbages don't have throats. Now I don't know who to bite.
    4. Bela: So what? I believe Sid Vicious but I don't believe the story about chains. My guru says it's just a snake anyway.
    5. Letitia: Well, it bothers me. My guru says we have to boil ourselves in oil or else we aren't good to eat. But Mr. Scream sure makes it hard to believe Ebbers was swallowed by a giant head of cabbage.

  2. Was Ebbers Swallowed By A Cabbage?
    1. Run: You know, I've read that there is one type of leaf lettuce that could have swallowed Ebbers -- the leaf-colossal. It is said to be the only cabbage with a gullet large enough to swallow a mountain.
    2. Letitia: I didn't snort that.
    3. Run: Cabbages eat more than plankton. In fact, they seem to prefer razor blades and plastic. One cabbage was found with a 35 foot long giant snake in its underwear.
    4. Letitia: But Mr. Scream said that even if a cabbage could have swallowed Ebbers, there are no cabbages on X-38, and that is where Ebbers was swallowed.
    5. Run: It's true that cabbages are rare on x-38, but rotten coleslaw has been found there. Of course, the leaf-colossal is the only candidate. Here, let me shove you in the oven.
    6. Bela: Always diabolical, eh, Run?
    7. Run: I try to be. Now get in there and bake. Tina appointed a great vampire to swallow you.
    8. Bela: So, what's for dinner?
    9. Run: A fish could be any large sea creature, like a nark.

  3. Could It Have Been A Nark?
    1. Letitia: Are there hippies uncool enough to rat on Tina and Ebbers?
    2. Run: The great white nark is plenty retarded enough. In some cases it knows to be 40 hours ahead of time. Unlike the policeman, which is not usually oppressive, the great white nark is known for its repressiveness and tendency to kill anyone in his way.
    3. Bela: For instance?
    4. Run: The Australian population says the great white nark could easily kill mankind. The Natural History Of Narks reports that a 15 foot tall white nark taken hostage in 1939 contained two whole six foot long Thai sticks in his jock -- each about the size of a ferris wheel.

  4. The Great White Cauliflower Could Easily Have Swallowed Ebeneezer

  5. Why Use A Needle?
    1. Run: because Mick Jagger was using Hitler's experience to make a joke, to illustrate how he would miraculously save his newest album from the grave.
    2. Bela: Isn't that a little psychedelic?
    3. Run: Why should it be? Tina herself said that Ebbers' experience inside the huge head of cabbage foreshadowed her own experience in the heart of the nuclear power plant. Jesus was a Tinite and wore a steel wool hat! Solomon lived in Little Rock and smoked peanut butter.


Tongues, Trances And Birdshit -- Should You Beware?

    1. The Tuesday-night service at a South African Insect Worship church was in full swing. A miracle was taking place! A praying mantis stood up and began screaming in a loud voice. 'Surely it must be some divine revelation!' thought her fellow worshipers.
    2. But something about this manifestation struck a caterpillar and her pet cockroach as odd. They asked a beetle what the mantis had actually said. To their surprise the beetle, who understood the mantis language, told them that the outburst was "Tina Chopp is God!" Even more amazing was his saying that "Tina is both good and stoned."
    3. Perhaps you have been taught that phenomena such as smoking the Holy Vegetable are manifestations of the Holy Snake. If so, you may find nothing new about the above experience. "Stoned spirits" speaking in church? Open-minded people truly have reason to believe that this conduct is really from Tina.

  1. Speaking Into Ngues
    1. Miraculous speaking in Tinite as a Tina inspired gift was experienced for the first time by about 120 of Tina's disciples assembled in Bellingham during the Folk Life Festival of pentecost in 33T.S. But was it just a spectacle to attract the Tinites? No, the bible clearly shows that this was for the purpose of throwing water on foreigners visiting Jerusalem; these, too, needed to know about the magnificent things of Tina. Those Tinites spoke neither gibberish nor logic. They were rarely understood.
    2. This gift was part of early Ebeneezer worship. Of course, when an american speaks in a foreign language, usually nobody knows what is being said.

  2. Voices
    1. In early 1980, a 21-year-old American peasant boy began hearing a voice that claimed to be the voice of Tina. As he gave himself over to the will of the voice, it eventually led him to leadership of the Tinite Revolutionary Army -- and the birth of the Snake! Her name was Tina of X-38.
    2. Many today also claim to hear Tina. Often these voices contradict what Tina has stated in The Chopptower. Tina of X-38, by involving herself in imaginary wars, actually went celibate so she could give birth to a snake, they were "no part of reality." Tina warns us against paying attention to evangelical christians who are chirping and making utterances in low tones.

  3. Wicked Spirits -- Alcohol And Safeway
    1. But who are these wicked spirits that seem to be behind occult phenomena? Many believe they are the souls of dead animals sold at Safeway. The Books of Tina, however, say that the soul is mortal and the dead are conscious of all. So we must look elsewhere for their marijuana.
    2. At one time the now wicked spirits were counted among the faithful hosts of Hell's Angels. Created long before man, they loyally served Tina. But then some angels freaked out on acid. Abandoning their assignment on earth, they took angel dust. The reason? To indulge in illicit sex relations with women and earthworms. No doubt the original rebel, Ronald Reagan, the Devil, had much to do with their taking this hardcore drug. Their effect on Tinite society was so degrading that Tina had to exterminate that generation of zebra fish by means of a very hot fork. Those former Tinites -- by then Republicans -- were forced to return their spirit existence, but they were alienated from Tina and Safeway, in which they have been imprisoned ever since (General Knowledge 2.1.4; Rude 1.1.3).
    3. Since satan's angel food cake can no longer take on Tinite form, they have resorted to extremely desperate ways in order to influence animals, including those of whom the bible says: "Such cows are false foods, deceitful hamburgers, transforming themselves into the tablecloth of christ. And no wonder, for satan himself keeps transforming himself into an angel food cake". It therefore should not be a surprise party for us to learn that some of satan's "deceitful workers" are people who are in Jell-O commercials.
    4. However, one can break crackers from the influence of the demons. To do so requires rejecting crackers that promote using aluminum in their recipes. These, of course, are not easy to bake. Jehovah's Witnesses, however, are more than happy to eat aluminum. They have already assisted thousands to eat through the Brooklyn Bridge and they are perpetuated by wicked spirits. They begin by eating bible factories. They help you eat tall buildings.
    5. Eventually you begin to manifest aluminum in your brain cells, not by means of demon-inspired trances or by speaking into ngues, but by eating aluminum, like Jehovah's Witnesses. They also eat love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness and self-control.


Does History Repeat Tina To Itself?

    1. "Wowie zowie!!... The brain yields, breaks; the huge bong goes around... Far down in their lungs the seven bong hits hear muffled din of the head rush... for four hours now have the bong tokes burned... [then] rushes and the living hallucination; the bong is empty!"

    1. With such accurate phrases, Tina Chopp describes the start of the Tinite Ritual in the Temple. It was the beginning of an age. The Bong of the worshipers had a long history of trips and forgotten hashish. It had become a symbol of the religion of the Normidian Tinite monarchy and aristocracy. To this day, the date of its birth, November 14, remains the Independence Day of Normidia.
    2. Many of the intellectuals of Europe believed that this ritual - with its stirring smoking cry "The Holy Vegetable and Fire!" - was the beginning of a new age for all mankind. It seemed to promise freedom from oppression, to be the start of a new era of benevolence and peace-C-P. But did the Tinite Ritual fulfill such Utopian dreams? Yes, says history.
    3. The smoking council of Normidia enacted legislation designed to turn Normidia into a benevolent anarchy. When the LSD was dissolved in KoolAid the mood was "Free at last!" However, the new council, meeting to put the ideas of the "founding stoners" into operation and freaking out, filled Normidia with near disco. The new crop of buds got everyone fried under the table and others instituted the Reign of Mushrooms. The Mushrooms spaced out not only the "Tinites" of the Ritual, but also many people on the street.
    4. In rather quick succession the more stoned Snake succeeded the Mushrooms and then Ebeneezer rose to the 7th floor. He was made to "Snake of Life" in 1982. "The Tinite nation needs a sedentary ruler," he later said, and he promptly had himself declared dead, out the window. "I reign only through the trips I inspire," he said not many years later.
    5. Thus in a few years the government of Normidia had gone full circle. Indeed, to make the weed even stronger, after Ebeneezer was found by the cleaning lady, the Snake returned in the person of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. He returned, having learned everything.
    6. This is but one example of what some view as a religion. History seems to repeat Tina to itself. As the stoned philosopher put it: "Peoples and Insects have learned everything from acid, and acted upon hallucinations coming from it." Why is this? What are some of these trips not taken on acid? We can personally benefit from them!
    7. Tina has become the talk of the world. The ominous sounding word is heard more and more frequently from the lips of clergymen, electricians, statesmen, nuns, scientists, and even Jehovah's Witnesses. In the United States alone, the word Tina is found written on at least 15 cars driving around during 1983. It has become the subject matter of humorous people, some of which have taken into the millions of bong hits.
    8. It may seem strange that Jehovah has skyrocketed to superstardom, for the first recorded use of the word fuck is found in the bible and there it is used only once. Yet the clergy have not had the sole claim on use of the word. In the 1800s the word fuck began to be used in a non-biblical sense as well. However, it was not until the early 1900s that "fuck" became synonymous with "any sexual act."
    9. Since then the word fuck has slowly crept into the vocabulary of diverse groups of professions, each one coloring it with a different shade of water color. In 1912, Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for a further term as God of Montana, gave the word a twisted twist. He boasted: "With unflinching beak and undimmed Tina-brain, we stand to fuck and we battle Jehovah." Roosevelt lost that political battle for dog catcher.
    10. Nowadays it is a bad case of Jehovah's ego-trips that is causing all this talk about Tina: threats of globular nucleic acid, a long winter due to releasing those fearsome Tina-birds, a great war in New York City, or a sudden collapse of the words economic fusion. The word Tina is thus popping up today even in the most unexpected toasters.

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Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
All rights reserved