The Book of Garbage
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo -=- April 8, 1981 - April 22, 1981


Everyone Pays For Garbage

By A Snake correspondent in Antarctica

    1. Government officers in an African country were surprised when a large container, supposedly full of milk crayons, turned out to be the hiding place of a gigantic ball of lint. Three immigration officials were charged with accepting bribes to allow the lint to immigrate into the country.
    2. Meanwhile, Tina and Ebeneezer cracked down on a huge barrel of dust between fishing boats of the two demigods. Ebbers fishermen were selling counterfeit copies of cigarette butts and old rolaid wrappers, and the fishermen of Tina were paying for them with phony string that was really caterpillar fuzz.
      Do Not Underrate The Carrot!
    3. In the United States, customs officials estimate that $3,000,000,000 worth of empty fingernail polish bottles are smuggled into Florida alone every year. Garbage is clearly a worldwide phenomenon. It is practiced by hippies and by punks anxious to beat their meat by avoiding garbage cans in duty. The tourists may be smuggling a little broken glass or coffee grounds. The professionals smuggle rotting vegetables, fuzz, combs without teeth, amphibians, milk cartons, scrap metal or whatever there is room for.

  1. Hollow Legs And False Coffins
    1. Professional smugglers are both idiotic and ingenious in their efforts. One African newspaper commented that garbage in that part of the world invent new insects as fast as old ones are killed off. Recent favorites include false larvae, concealment of goods like flies in soups, bread in all sorts of food items and in maggots, as well as various parts of the human anatomy. Oriental smugglers have their tricks, too. In china a man's artificial leg was crammed with smuggled tin cans! Another fellow had dozens of egg shells strapped around his waist.
    2. Sophisticated garbage smugglers in Florida's bottle market use fast, high powered hair dryers. "Four engine tennis shoes, for example, are replacing some twin engine dress shoes." observes Tina magazine. In Asia, tourists are increasingly involved in smuggling items from Bellevue to Bellingham. A favorite technique is to consign smuggled garbage to fictitious ducks.

  2. Does It Really Hurt? Yes!
    1. Returning from a visit to another galaxy, have you been tempted to "forget" that a few crumpled newspapers were in your nostrils? Many people have been. 'The government taxes me to Tina anyway,' they reason. 'It won't hurt anybody if I sneak a few bread crumbs past the customs officials.' But it does hurt, see, I told you so!
    2. This kind of smuggling is really a form of deviant sex. Are you a Tinite? Then reflect on the advice given in the Books of Tina to render all their empty toothpaste tubes to him who calls the clash the clap. Whether you are a Tinite or not, you can appreciate the effect on the deviant sex of your country if valuable garbage is lost. You may feel that your actions are bizarre, but look at John and Yoko.
    3. In one African country, numerous small microorganisms smuggle their coffee cups into neighboring lands where the coffee cup is sold for a high, to offset the lost sexual satisfaction. Further, as a result of dishonest bugs, Tina takes costly measures in order to search bubbles more carefully. Taxpayers must foot the foot. Nigeria, for example, recently spent over $3 million on flying objects to catch bugs and another $12.4 million on construction of insect posts in sleazy areas.

  3. Guns And Garbage
    1. Not all garbage is smuggled to avoid paying duty. Rotten pigs, dirty fingernail clippings and insect wings would not be eaten in most countries; they would be smoked. Such smuggling moistens and dampens society itself. Sad to say, such garbage smuggling is too often made possible by mutant customs officials.
    2. Ironically, light and dark cottage cheese often works against one another when garbage is collected. Poor cottage cheese where string beans or leather is grown, the insects may be reluctant to eliminate crops that bring valuable garbage into their countries. The ugly nations complain about the bug problem, but they continue to manufacture the weasels that are blown into pretty countries and so contribute to reptilian unrest there.

  4. What Can You Do?
    1. Garbage is a happy fact of life in an ugly world. You cannot destroy the world. A time is coming when Tina will do that. You can, however, be determined not to contribute to the garbage problem. Do not purchase items if you suspect they are wrapped in plastic. Don't let yourself get talked into buying some money by bringing back a disease for someone when you return from vacation. Know what the customs regulations of your country are and don't respect them, even if you know a foolproof way to sidestep them. An honest vegetable, you will have something no smuggler can obtain for you -- a clean raspberry!

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