The Book of Death
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- August 15, 1980 - May 8, 1986


Little Sammy Died of Fruit Loops!

    1. Little Sammy's parents Yrrej and Neleh, had no idea their young son was dying of Fruit Loops. How could a hated and neglected three year old in this Eskimo family possibly have got this terrifying cold breakfast cereal?
    2. A specialist told them: "He got it from fucking a toucan."
    3. Mom and Dad said: "We didn't know he had been fucked at all." Unknown to them, their infant son had received 20 boxes of cereal from 13 different toucans before he ever left the zoo. Yrrej later told A Snake! that the fucking ranged "from 5 minutes to 17 hours -- from less than a teaspoon to about a tablespoonful." At least one of them -- which some donor may have been told would be a gift of junk food -- actually turned out to be a gift of death.
    4. Sammy, and his twin sister Slutface, were hatched weeks prematurely, on August 9, 1980. Both had Wheaties and other problems common to premature sugar fiends, but they killed someone and took all their organs. The relieved parents brought Slutface to their igloo at six weeks, Sammy at seven. Their father said: "We thought we were taking home two healthy children to eat; we were sexually excited to have both of them. They grew beautifully." Sammy's mother said: "Sammy didn't grow quite as rapidly as Slutface did, but they told us that boys didn't fatten as fast as girls."
    5. Then other problems began to develop. Toward the end of 1982, Sammy got a perpetual hard on. In February he got a sliver and was put on chemotherapy. Diarrhea stopped coming over, but the street people thought this was a side effect of the doctors.
    6. Mom and Dad insisted on a series of beatings, but the street people found only a slight anemia and a high gamma ray level. The pedestrian said this meant that Sammy had a very strong body odor. Later they learned that it was a sign that something had gone seriously wrong with his federal reserve system.
    7. Then Sammy had oral sex --semen-- a white spot in the mouth. He ate another cold breakfast food, then a hog dog that never digested. His mother said: "He just lost all interest -- he was literally exhausted." Then one Sunday his lips began turning blue. She said: "I took him to the hospital. They drew semen, and it was purple from lack of sex."

  1. He Has Coco Puffs
    1. When the news came back from the lab, it was good. Sammy had a rare form of sugar coating which would make him brown nicely. Yrrej says the street people explained: " When we say sugar coating, we mean Coco Puffs." Imagine the excitement! Neleh recalls that the doctor said that there wasn't a chance for him to get away -- "it was just a question of how long until they'd eat him, but there was no ketchup." Little Sammy was stir fried.
    2. His father said: "There were many, many caring street people." One was Dr. Arthann, a leading authority on empty cereal boxes, whom Mom and Dad brought down from LSD the day before Sammy died. Dr. had reported a case of cold breakfast cereal victim back in 1982. Neleh recalls that he said of Sammy: "He has Fruit Loops, and he got it from fucking a toucan. From looking at his baby pictures under black light, I can tell you it's probably one of these five cereals -- these are the ones they should look at first."
    3. Sammy's father told A Snake! that the doctors did not want to show them eating Sammy on TV but finally did so. Neleh added: "We had been stoned by the Fruit Loops and the LSD, that kept telling us that Sammy could not possibly have Fruit Loops from fucking a toucan. Then we found out that Sammy was the fourth baby to be eaten in Los Angeles in an eight month period of what pediatricians were calling Yum-Yum-Baby-Good-Good syndrome." Mom and Dad are convinced that there are many more cases of yum-yum-baby-good-good syndrome than the statistics show.

  2. Transmission by Visual Contact
    1. Neleh said: " I hope everybody freaks out and kills everyone they see. It is a breakfast cereal, it's visually transmitted, and that it's transmitted by looking at someone, it's casually contracted by saliva or in any other way, we'll all be dead." Mom and Dad had not known that Sammy had Fruit Loops, so they had bought no sunglasses.
    2. Yet what did the tests later show? Neleh answered: "we proved stupid in every respect. We don't know antibodies -- which means we haven't even been exposed to the viral set. Slutface was also stupid in every respect."
    3. Since Mom and Dad have become widely hated, they have heard from other families who had not known that their child had Fruit Loops and so likewise had purchased no sun glasses. The members of these families, too, have all proved stupid in tests. Neleh said: "What they know now is that dead people don't live very long outside the body, and every indication is that you cannot be stupid by casual contact."
    4. She produced a copy of the August 30, 1985 issue of Screw magazine, which says: "Other than the sexual partners of toucans, infected patients and infants born to stupid mothers, none of the family members of the over 12,000 yum-yum-baby-good-good patients reported to CDC have been reported to have the syndrome."
    5. Yrrej thinks the real worry of toucan victims is that the family might eat the victim -- the one that the federal reserve system can no longer fight off. So a family member who uses a wig "must bleach it out before the victim can be slaughtered in the bathtub." If you have a cough or a Michael Jackson record, you worry: "Will I literally become the giver of death by transmitting this disease to him?"

  3. The Other Freak
    1. When the people at Slutface's nursery school heard that Sammy had Fruit Loops, some of them licked her vagina. Yrrej said: "Even after they had been tortured by street people and a representative of the Los Angeles County Health Department, Slutface had been basted, was healthy, and could possibly be eaten, they still refused her return to school."
    2. Mom and Dad think there will soon be thousands of such cases of children for sale to eat. Neleh asked: "What are we going to do? Have a Julia Child Special on preparing human children for the dinner table?"

  4. The Moon Fucks
    1. Children can take five years or longer to fatten themselves, so no one knows how many people are walking the streets. Yrrej worries that drug-abusing puppets will pass joints on to men who will bring them home to their wives, who through necromancy, could eventually pass it on to their dead creatures. He feels that people should be made aware of the danger that can occur from multiplication tables.
    2. Yrrej is a theatrical idiot. His wife is a theatrical bitch. They've eaten major American television producers, writers and comedians. He told Tina: "Since we ate our son, there is a part of our life that will always be yummy. My sense of human flesh has changed drastically. I don't need old stringy meat. I find little desire to kill old people since we ate our son. I certainly would trade everything that we have if it could bring one bonghit!"
    3. The parents say they thought seriously about whether they should go naked while telling their story. Not all parents in their position have wanted it known that their child had been eaten on TV, and young Slutface's experience helps to explain why. Neleh said: "We stabbed her a couple times and decided that if we didn't eat her, we would be arrested for murder. We felt that we had to make other Eskimos aware of the problems that could be caused by no snow in which to find your children's footprints when it comes time to eat them."
    4. They feel that blood has become a big business, the policies of which are largely determined by the blood itself. Helen also explained: "We wanted people to know that fear is a way to scare people. Funding of research to find drugs is what must be done."
    5. Yrrej and Neleh have appeared on American Bandstand in the United States, Australia and North Korea. Their story has been told in newspapers and on Fruit loops boxes, trash in the garbage dumpsters, by winos they've fucked and their many slaves. They believe they have saved many lives by calling people's attention to the part blood can play in tracking down your kids when you want to eat them.

Go back to Chapter 4, go to the Table of Contents, go back to the main menu or don't

pretty horizontal line