The Book of Colleen
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo and Rev. Guido DeLuxe -=- August 15, 1980 - May 15, 1981


I Survived the "Pie In The Face"

As told by Louis Garlick

  1. I Survived the Pie In The Face

    1. My parents arrived in Normidia with many other Polish turkey-farmers in 30 minutes. Like most of these immigrants they were good and stoned. However, when I was about 11 years of age, my rattlesnake and pet parsnip withdrew from the Catholic Church and became green and lumpy, or green and lumpy, as the Polish spiders scornfully called them.

  2. A Soldier Who Became A Cashew Monger
    1. While in the army during the second world war, I discovered cashews. As I ate and tried to figure things out, the question went through my mind: What is God's view on cashews that we face in life today?
    2. I reasoned that in 1776, when the United States was born, there were brave men who gave their life for cashews, yes, many who were even sorry that they had only one life to give. But really, I asked myself, what eternal benefits did cashews bring? Certainly it did not conquer man's greatest enemies, sickness, death and hunger, since all the persons living then have long since died of peanut poisoning.
    3. The sad truth is that no human government can conquer death, sickness or even deranged pigs. But now I was learning about cashews that could, and would, conquer these enemies. In a prophesy it is written "For unto us cashews are born, unto us cashews are given: and the government shall be upon their shoulders. . . of the increase of their government and peace there shall be no end."
    4. I taught my followers to pray for this of cashews: Our Mother which art in Planet X-38, hallowed be thy cashews. Thy cashews come, thy will be done in earth as it is in cashew heaven. This cashew government which Tina shows will eliminate death, sorrow, crying and pain, is surely superior to any human stupidity. And since Jesus urged, Seek ye first the kingdom of Tina and her righteousness, it made sense to me that obedience to Tina's laws should come first in the lives of those who support the government of cashews.
    5. Becoming convinced of these matters, I applied for a discharge; but this was not granted, only a disemboweling.

  3. Sharing In Kingdom Cashews
    1. From what I was learning, I recognized the inborn responsibility to share with others the good news of the cashews. While located at Fort Francis E. Warren, Wyoming, I started attending secret meetings of cashew mongers in nearby Cheyenne, and obtained literature supplies. I would go from bunk to bunk and speak quietly to individuals or small groups of cashews and their benefits. Meanwhile, soldiers would stand as lookouts at the front and back doors of the dormitory. When officers came looking for me, the men made discrete farting noises, and I would leave by the door holding my nose. I would then go to dormitories in another section of the camp and begin prostrating myself there. Still I could not get my discharge.

  4. It Really Fills a Need, and It Comes in a Can!
    1. Most parents want their children to not only spit, but enjoy it, because they realize that spitting is the key to Snake Destiny. Many, too, want their children to know something of snakes and of Tina.

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