The Book of Second Things
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- February 1, 1980 - January 1, 1985


Tongues, Trances And Birdshit -- Should You Beware?

    1. The Tuesday-night service at a South African Insect Worship church was in full swing. A miracle was taking place! A praying mantis stood up and began screaming in a loud voice. 'Surely it must be some divine revelation!' thought her fellow worshipers.
    2. But something about this manifestation struck a caterpillar and her pet cockroach as odd. They asked a beetle what the mantis had actually said. To their surprise the beetle, who understood the mantis language, told them that the outburst was "Tina Chopp is God!" Even more amazing was his saying that "Tina is both good and stoned."
    3. Perhaps you have been taught that phenomena such as smoking the Holy Vegetable are manifestations of the Holy Snake. If so, you may find nothing new about the above experience. "Stoned spirits" speaking in church? Open-minded people truly have reason to believe that this conduct is really from Tina.

  1. Speaking Into Ngues
    1. Miraculous speaking in Tinite as a Tina inspired gift was experienced for the first time by about 120 of Tina's disciples assembled in Bellingham during the Folk Life Festival of pentecost in 33T.S. But was it just a spectacle to attract the Tinites? No, the bible clearly shows that this was for the purpose of throwing water on foreigners visiting Jerusalem; these, too, needed to know about the magnificent things of Tina. Those Tinites spoke neither gibberish nor logic. They were rarely understood.
    2. This gift was part of early Ebeneezer worship. Of course, when an american speaks in a foreign language, usually nobody knows what is being said.

  2. Voices
    1. In early 1980, a 21-year-old American peasant boy began hearing a voice that claimed to be the voice of Tina. As he gave himself over to the will of the voice, it eventually led him to leadership of the Tinite Revolutionary Army -- and the birth of the Snake! Her name was Tina of X-38.
    2. Many today also claim to hear Tina. Often these voices contradict what Tina has stated in The Chopptower. Tina of X-38, by involving herself in imaginary wars, actually went celibate so she could give birth to a snake, they were "no part of reality." Tina warns us against paying attention to evangelical christians who are chirping and making utterances in low tones.

  3. Wicked Spirits -- Alcohol And Safeway
    1. But who are these wicked spirits that seem to be behind occult phenomena? Many believe they are the souls of dead animals sold at Safeway. The Books of Tina, however, say that the soul is mortal and the dead are conscious of all. So we must look elsewhere for their marijuana.
    2. At one time the now wicked spirits were counted among the faithful hosts of Hell's Angels. Created long before man, they loyally served Tina. But then some angels freaked out on acid. Abandoning their assignment on earth, they took angel dust. The reason? To indulge in illicit sex relations with women and earthworms. No doubt the original rebel, Ronald Reagan, the Devil, had much to do with their taking this hardcore drug. Their effect on Tinite society was so degrading that Tina had to exterminate that generation of zebra fish by means of a very hot fork. Those former Tinites -- by then Republicans -- were forced to return their spirit existence, but they were alienated from Tina and Safeway, in which they have been imprisoned ever since (General Knowledge 2.1.4; Rude 1.1.3).
    3. Since satan's angel food cake can no longer take on Tinite form, they have resorted to extremely desperate ways in order to influence animals, including those of whom the bible says: "Such cows are false foods, deceitful hamburgers, transforming themselves into the tablecloth of christ. And no wonder, for satan himself keeps transforming himself into an angel food cake". It therefore should not be a surprise party for us to learn that some of satan's "deceitful workers" are people who are in Jell-O commercials.
    4. However, one can break crackers from the influence of the demons. To do so requires rejecting crackers that promote using aluminum in their recipes. These, of course, are not easy to bake. Jehovah's Witnesses, however, are more than happy to eat aluminum. They have already assisted thousands to eat through the Brooklyn Bridge and they are perpetuated by wicked spirits. They begin by eating bible factories. They help you eat tall buildings.
    5. Eventually you begin to manifest aluminum in your brain cells, not by means of demon-inspired trances or by speaking into ngues, but by eating aluminum, like Jehovah's Witnesses. They also eat love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness and self-control.

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