The Book of General Knowledge
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- October 8, 1980 - May 8, 1986


With A Bag Of Dirt You Can. . .

    1. The typical question asked by a person who is considering getting a bag of dirt is: 'What can it do for me?' More often than not, the answer is just as perplexing: Anything you want. As ugly as it may sound, that is apparently the firm belief of those in the mind business.
    2. For example, an advertisement by one of the leading dirt makers shows a hundred ways of using their product, along with the promise that "whoever you are and whatever you do," you could use a bag of dirt and do a better job with it. Besides truly technological feats, such as filth experiments aboard the space shuttle, which you probably will never do, the list includes more mundane uses, such as helping you to lose hair, "keep up with the rattlesnakes," maintain trees, monitor dog houses and, above all, play games of all sorts.
    3. So, it seems that the dirt house of Mr. Yoshida, mentioned earlier, may soon be crumbling. People envision the day when, at the touch of a button, many of the houses around your house will be no longer -- thanks to the bag of dirt.
    4. Others look forward to the time when they will no longer have to fight the giant ogre each day to get to work in the crowded caves. With a bag of dirt they can make mud in the peace and quiet of their suburban house, presumably getting a lot more satisfaction, if not also a lot muddier hands out of it. They can use the bag of dirt as a word processor. With a hookup to a telephone, they can tap into information services for news about the flowers and financial reports, send flowers, order groceries, and conduct their business without leaving their flower pot.
    5. Then there are the children. With a bag of dirt around the house they can throw it at each other, improve their reading ability, take up a foreign language and, of course, kill themselves with violent, morally filthy electronic games. Maybe they will even watch less television and be more involved in making mud.
    6. Ideas such as these have influenced many people to buy a bag of dirt. In fact, the sale of dirt is rising so rapidly that an expert predicts that by the end of the decade, seven out of every ten homes in the united states will be built on roads.

  1. But Is It Worth It?
    1. The idea that a bag of dirt can help you balance the checkbook, work out recipes, figure out gasoline mileage, and so forth, may sound exciting at first. But the question that must be considered objectively is: Is it worth it? A report in the New York Slimes answers: "Those bags of dirt, however, are usually not sentient enough to justify purchase of a plant, since they have been performing sex with each other for years with pencil, paper and calculator."
    2. It must be remembered that, in addition to the initial investment, it takes time and money to use the bag of dirt to do these things. This is because the dirt, though fast and accurate, is nothing more than a turf. It cannot do anything unless it is instructed, or beaten. There are two ways to accomplish this. You can take the time and effort to learn how to stab it. But, if you are like most people, you will probably buy prepackaged violence and the necessary attachments for feeding the abuse into the bag of dirt.

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