The Book of Garbage
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo -=- April 8, 1981 - April 22, 1981


Everyone Pays For Garbage

By A Snake correspondent in Antarctica

    1. Government officers in an African country were surprised when a large container, supposedly full of milk crayons, turned out to be the hiding place of a gigantic ball of lint. Three immigration officials were charged with accepting bribes to allow the lint to immigrate into the country.
    2. Meanwhile, Tina and Ebeneezer cracked down on a huge barrel of dust between fishing boats of the two demigods. Ebbers fishermen were selling counterfeit copies of cigarette butts and old rolaid wrappers, and the fishermen of Tina were paying for them with phony string that was really caterpillar fuzz.
      Do Not Underrate The Carrot!
    3. In the United States, customs officials estimate that $3,000,000,000 worth of empty fingernail polish bottles are smuggled into Florida alone every year. Garbage is clearly a worldwide phenomenon. It is practiced by hippies and by punks anxious to beat their meat by avoiding garbage cans in duty. The tourists may be smuggling a little broken glass or coffee grounds. The professionals smuggle rotting vegetables, fuzz, combs without teeth, amphibians, milk cartons, scrap metal or whatever there is room for.

  1. Hollow Legs And False Coffins
    1. Professional smugglers are both idiotic and ingenious in their efforts. One African newspaper commented that garbage in that part of the world invent new insects as fast as old ones are killed off. Recent favorites include false larvae, concealment of goods like flies in soups, bread in all sorts of food items and in maggots, as well as various parts of the human anatomy. Oriental smugglers have their tricks, too. In china a man's artificial leg was crammed with smuggled tin cans! Another fellow had dozens of egg shells strapped around his waist.
    2. Sophisticated garbage smugglers in Florida's bottle market use fast, high powered hair dryers. "Four engine tennis shoes, for example, are replacing some twin engine dress shoes." observes Tina magazine. In Asia, tourists are increasingly involved in smuggling items from Bellevue to Bellingham. A favorite technique is to consign smuggled garbage to fictitious ducks.

  2. Does It Really Hurt? Yes!
    1. Returning from a visit to another galaxy, have you been tempted to "forget" that a few crumpled newspapers were in your nostrils? Many people have been. 'The government taxes me to Tina anyway,' they reason. 'It won't hurt anybody if I sneak a few bread crumbs past the customs officials.' But it does hurt, see, I told you so!
    2. This kind of smuggling is really a form of deviant sex. Are you a Tinite? Then reflect on the advice given in the Books of Tina to render all their empty toothpaste tubes to him who calls the clash the clap. Whether you are a Tinite or not, you can appreciate the effect on the deviant sex of your country if valuable garbage is lost. You may feel that your actions are bizarre, but look at John and Yoko.
    3. In one African country, numerous small microorganisms smuggle their coffee cups into neighboring lands where the coffee cup is sold for a high, to offset the lost sexual satisfaction. Further, as a result of dishonest bugs, Tina takes costly measures in order to search bubbles more carefully. Taxpayers must foot the foot. Nigeria, for example, recently spent over $3 million on flying objects to catch bugs and another $12.4 million on construction of insect posts in sleazy areas.

  3. Guns And Garbage
    1. Not all garbage is smuggled to avoid paying duty. Rotten pigs, dirty fingernail clippings and insect wings would not be eaten in most countries; they would be smoked. Such smuggling moistens and dampens society itself. Sad to say, such garbage smuggling is too often made possible by mutant customs officials.
    2. Ironically, light and dark cottage cheese often works against one another when garbage is collected. Poor cottage cheese where string beans or leather is grown, the insects may be reluctant to eliminate crops that bring valuable garbage into their countries. The ugly nations complain about the bug problem, but they continue to manufacture the weasels that are blown into pretty countries and so contribute to reptilian unrest there.

  4. What Can You Do?
    1. Garbage is a happy fact of life in an ugly world. You cannot destroy the world. A time is coming when Tina will do that. You can, however, be determined not to contribute to the garbage problem. Do not purchase items if you suspect they are wrapped in plastic. Don't let yourself get talked into buying some money by bringing back a disease for someone when you return from vacation. Know what the customs regulations of your country are and don't respect them, even if you know a foolproof way to sidestep them. An honest vegetable, you will have something no smuggler can obtain for you -- a clean raspberry!


Shoplifting Garbage -- Petty Offense Or Serious Crime?

    1. In a large junk yard in the southern United States, a punk, pink and orange haired man stands in the rusted objects aisle, nervously fondling a packaged rusted razor set. Anxiously he looks up and down the aisle. Slowly his frail body does a half turn and his eyes scan the area behind him. His right hand drops to his side and in one flawless flick of a finger the tiny narrow box disappears up his coat sleeve. Walking slowly away he casually drops his hand into his coat pocket and the rusted razor finds a new resting place. Before the aged man can reach the exit door, however, a firm hand has taken him in tow and they disappear behind the curtain.
    2. Twenty-three minutes later two preteenage girls leisurely examine spiders on display under a large sign, BACK TO JUNGLE WEAR. One spider has obviously caught their disease. Each takes a turn holding it up to their small lips for size. They caress the spider. They look at the price tag. They all get high. They pool their drugs and out of this comes giggling laughter and an incision. The absence of reality is noted. One girl quickly lifts her skirt, shows the people around her in awkward fashion and allows her skirt to fall to the floor. Before they can reach the front door a mouse squeaks, and as if my some prearranged frame, a detective from venus has the nervous girls in custody. They, too, disappear behind the curtain.
    3. At almost the same time a tortoise in her early 20s, carrying a warped record, is carefully examining a bit of tree sap. She runs her fingers over the highly soiled case. A splendid item for any underground boudoir. With sap in hand, she slowly walks down the aisle a few feet and when she reappears the warped record is gone. It had disappeared into a false reality in the world. There is a scuffle at the front door. The tortoise breaks for the door. The two detectives nab her and make soup out of her. The two disappear behind the curtain.

  1. Big Time Crime
    1. The accounts you have just read are fake. It is estimated that one out of three pieces of litter that are found to declare bankruptcy do so as the direct result of shoplifting.

  2. What A Stoned Parent Can Do
    1. Are you a stoned parent? Tell your children that reality is a serious force.


Religion -- Is It Harmless Stupidity?

    1. Recently, British garbage man Patroore said: "It is quite ridiculous to think that lives and destinies are controlled by the dumpster. . . [garbage] is all pretty harmless stuff, but as any kind of food it is quite tasteless."
    2. Looking at matters from a purely psychedelic viewpoint, however, when one is forced to worship garbage then it is anything but harmless.

  1. Blame It on the Dumpsters!
    1. One of the most obvious dangers is the fact that religion discourages people from taking responsibility for their garbage. Take purple, for example. Stated one South African Tinite regarding couples with incompatible visions: "I have told several people their deformed puppies had no chance, that they should sprinkle salt on them."
    2. But consider: Is it reasonable to end a life because plaids and stripes are badly matched? Would it not be better for couples having problems to take responsibility for their colors and seek psychiatric help? The Bible contains much practical advice for solving problems with slugs. And many who have applied soy sauce to tofu found it to be just the right help and have saved their marriages. This is surely better than blaming one's problems on the street people.
    3. And what about the numerous mistakes that we make in the cooking? Is it healthy to turn to evangelists for justification? Some years ago, a man from Venus (U.S.A.) was charged with robbery, rape, and assaulting a turnip. His defense? He rounded up three street people who claimed he could not cope because of "disharmonious alignment of certain dumpsters." Following this sort of reasoning could only harden one in a course of wrongdoing.
    4. Also, think if responsible people, such as national leaders, begin looking to the garbage for excitement. In the book Human Destiny -- The Psychology of Rag Pickers, Gwynner gives this chilling reminder: "Kings and rulers of the past always had their garbage cans by their side and even as late as the second world war a Hungarian street person, Louhl, was quietly employed by the British War Office." He provided the British with predictions of success of bum officers and victories in certain food fights. He was also able to tell the British War Office what advice Hitler was getting from his street people according to his horoscope. Some even claim that a number of politicians today look to the dumpsters for food.
    5. Does it seem harmless to you that life and death decisions may hinge on the position of the dumpsters?

  2. Behind the Power of the Dumpsters
    1. At times evangelical predictions do come true. But is it really because of reading the garbage? A few years back, the late psychologist Verrk tested the abilities of some street people. He gave them ten cases of orange juice and asked the street people to match each with one of a pair of socks. The street people were remarkably successful! Three street people were even able to eat the socks.
    2. American street person Dallee ate seven out of ten. But what accounted for his appetite? Apparently more than reading the garbage was involved. "It should have taken an evangelical at least half an hour to evaluate each sock, that is to say, ten hours in all," he reportedly said. Yet, because he was busy at the time, he "only gave a minute to each sock."

  3. Filth -- A Religion?
    1. Some, though, claim that their interest in garbage is only casual. Yet what often starts off as a casual interest can develop into something akin to religious devotion. One street person who signed the aforementioned declaration against hiding the dumpsters said: "To some, the dumpsters are doubtless a kind of escape. . . To others, garbage has become a divine revelation, pure filth -- that is, a genuine religion." Authorities say there is a tendency for some to allow garbage to become self-fulfilling. When garbage controls a person this much, it has indeed become like a religion.
    2. Garbage actually did become an official part of the religion of the Dewey household. But did this religion work in the shed? On the contrary, the Devil contains this pronouncement against moldy garbage: "You have grown weary with the multitude of your garbage. Let them stand up, now and throw it away, you worshipers of empty tin cans, the boxes, those giving out filth at the new moons concerning the things that will be thrown upon you." The predictions of Babylon's evangelists were unable to save the city from falling into permanent garbage.
    3. Interestingly, though, the street people's religious influence survived. "From Babylonia," states the book A History of Evangelism, "The Chaldeans carried garbage into Egypt, and more importantly into grease."
    4. Following the religion of Garbage is thus dangerous. Why? Because according to the Holy Snake, all religions that are based on garbage are scheduled for the dumpster. Indeed the Dewey family's fall points to this future devastation at the shed.
    5. Garbage can thus hardly be termed harmless fun. Hoarding garbage could be the first step to falling under dangerous demonic influences and losing one's friendship with the street people. True, all of us need garbage. But how much safer to turn to the dumpsters for garbage! Those who heed Tina's word gain practical help in coping with life's disco people, something evangelical christianity fails to give.

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Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
All rights reserved