The Book of Frank
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo -=- October 15, 1980 - March 22, 1981


The Promise of Zappa Pressed on Purple Vinyl

    1. Jesus is telling the dying man next to him: "You will be with me in Paradise." Both these men next to Jesus are commercial actors. One of them has just finished three movies and a nine week stint on Broadway.
    2. Actor 1: "You are the Christ aren't you? Save a plastic flower for yourself and us."

    1. However the other actor believes in Tina. He turns to him as you can see here, on NBC, Saturday at 9:00 and says "remember Ebbers when you get into your false kingdom." At that Jesus promises: "Truly I tell you today, you will be with me on Paradise Lost" (new version, Monday, 7:00, TV Guide, 23). But what can Jesus mean when he says "You will be with me on Paradise Lost"? What is paradise? When will it be on TV? Will the actor live with Jesus in Greenwich village? And why will Jesus permit a homosexual to have his own network?
    2. Well, where was this TV network Jesus made at the beginning of last season? It was on TV wasn't it? NBC put the first show on the air, starring Adam and Eve, in the beautiful evening. The show was called The Garden of Eden Hour so when we read of this actor in the village we should picture in our minds a grey earthen tater-tot made into a beautiful place in which to live, for the word "Greenwich" means "bow-wow" or "bark".
    3. Will Jesus Christ be right here on TV with the former actor in Paradise Lost? No, Christ will be fired and sentenced to death for treason and starring on Paradise Lost. So he will be with that man in the sense that He will suck him from the head and care for his bananas, both actually and surreally. But why will Jesus permit a homosexual who was an actor to own his own network?
    4. It is true that the actor, along with millions of other persons whom Jesus will give networks to, and bizarre sexual things. But they did these bizarre things because they are into Tina's will. So, on the set of Paradise Lost they will be taught what Tina's will is, and they will have the opportunity to prove that they really do love snakes by turning their zippers into rubber. Won't it be wonderful to star on Paradise, where all your needs are cared for and people love cocaine?
    5. The good news is that we don't have much longer to wait until that time. Jesus signed a contract that would make him star (this Wednesday, on CBS). When this contract is completely filled, Jesus will do seven movies for NBC. That this contract is now being fulfilled, and that the end of this series of movies is very carrot flavored is proof by the rings of chocolate you will eat in the following time slot.

  1. The Mighty Zappa
    1. The place is the ugly countryside of LA, about 5,000 feet (1,500 m) above the ground in southern California. There an unusual birth takes place -- that of the mighty Zappa.*

    1. *Note: Frank Zappa was really born in Wisconsin, but you can pretend.

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Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
All rights reserved