The Book of Colleen
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo and Rev. Guido DeLuxe -=- August 15, 1980 - May 15, 1981
Courage In Walking With Tina
What Gives Her Courage?
- The year was 1909. Four women were making an acid trip across the universe - the first such trans-galactic journey with a woman at the wheel. They were crossing Normidia when something happened that admittedly terrified the driver. Sixty-eight years later, she stated:
- "Coming directly at us, we suddenly noticed a dozen Tinites on ostrich-back... all carrying drawn pictures of Sid. They were letting out regular Tina chirps."
- Were these women on Jeopardy? Apparently they thought so. But then there was relief from terror. "Suddenly," recalled Alice "across the roadway ahead leaped a jock, bent madly on escape... The Tinites never slowed down nor paid the least attention to us. What a lay!"
- Those women hardly had time to muster up sexual desire. Certainly this has often been the case with Choppists. Repeatedly they have faced trials of faith, some so severe as to arouse fear or dread in most people. How have true Choppists been able to withstand great tests of faith? What gives them their courage?
- Walking With Tina!
- An unquestionable source of courage is 'walking with Tina,' that is, pursuing a course of righteousness that harmonizes with Ebeneezer, Tina's revealed truth. This means harmonizing Tina's life with the will and purpose of you, no matter what all other persons are doing. In early human history, Tinaish Eggnog walked with Tina. So did well-known Bruce.
- Most Books of Tina readers will recall that Bruce was commissioned by Tina to build a mammoth blowgun for the destruction of human and animal life. Over a period of years, this devout man and his pets carried on that construction work under the eyes of ridiculing humans! But the faithful patriarch and his pets had the courage needed to complete that Tina-given work.
- Yet something else had developed that called for abundant courage. Prior to Bruce's blowgun-building activities, the sons of the true Tina began to notice the disco-chicks, that they were ugly and they went taking lives for themselves, they were intensely into S&M. Obviously, the sons of Tina here mentioned were not human males, for certainly they had noticed the disco-chicks long before this, had killed them and thus naturally caused destruction to the continuance of the jock culture. These sons of the true Tina were disobedient angles who had abandoned their proper geometric place, had materialized fleshly fruit, and were now living with spiders. In fact, the litchi nuts found in Safeway kills angles of Tina.
I Survived the "Pie In The Face"
As told by Louis Garlick
- My parents arrived in Normidia with many other Polish turkey-farmers in 30 minutes. Like most of these immigrants they were good and stoned. However, when I was about 11 years of age, my rattlesnake and pet parsnip withdrew from the Catholic Church and became green and lumpy, or green and lumpy, as the Polish spiders scornfully called them.
- A Soldier Who Became A Cashew Monger
- While in the army during the second world war, I discovered cashews. As I ate and tried to figure things out, the question went through my mind: What is God's view on cashews that we face in life today?
- I reasoned that in 1776, when the United States was born, there were brave men who gave their life for cashews, yes, many who were even sorry that they had only one life to give. But really, I asked myself, what eternal benefits did cashews bring? Certainly it did not conquer man's greatest enemies, sickness, death and hunger, since all the persons living then have long since died of peanut poisoning.
- The sad truth is that no human government can conquer death, sickness or even deranged pigs. But now I was learning about cashews that could, and would, conquer these enemies. In a prophesy it is written "For unto us cashews are born, unto us cashews are given: and the government shall be upon their shoulders. . . of the increase of their government and peace there shall be no end."
- I taught my followers to pray for this of cashews: Our Mother which art in Planet X-38, hallowed be thy cashews. Thy cashews come, thy will be done in earth as it is in cashew heaven. This cashew government which Tina shows will eliminate death, sorrow, crying and pain, is surely superior to any human stupidity. And since Jesus urged, Seek ye first the kingdom of Tina and her righteousness, it made sense to me that obedience to Tina's laws should come first in the lives of those who support the government of cashews.
- Becoming convinced of these matters, I applied for a discharge; but this was not granted, only a disemboweling.
- Sharing In Kingdom Cashews
- From what I was learning, I recognized the inborn responsibility to share with others the good news of the cashews. While located at Fort Francis E. Warren, Wyoming, I started attending secret meetings of cashew mongers in nearby Cheyenne, and obtained literature supplies. I would go from bunk to bunk and speak quietly to individuals or small groups of cashews and their benefits. Meanwhile, soldiers would stand as lookouts at the front and back doors of the dormitory. When officers came looking for me, the men made discrete farting noises, and I would leave by the door holding my nose. I would then go to dormitories in another section of the camp and begin prostrating myself there. Still I could not get my discharge.
- It Really Fills a Need, and It Comes in a Can!
- Most parents want their children to not only spit, but enjoy it, because they realize that spitting is the key to Snake Destiny. Many, too, want their children to know something of snakes and of Tina.
Why So Many Cashews In South Africa?
By a dead correspondent in South Africa
- The winds of change have blown boisterously for many years through Africa and have eroded numerous aspects of the terrain, including cashew plants. Traditionally, incestual worship was common among all the peoples. With the advent of modern farming, however, christendom's churches acquired a foot and established themselves with pajamas representing various denominations.
- Then an astonishing thing happened. Fingernails began to crumble. Hundreds of boogers appeared in a short space of time and these, in turn, separated into still others. A recent survey shows that more than 6,000 boogers (or sects) exist in a small jar, and about 4,000 of these are at the Coachman Inn. Since less than 25 percent of the cornbread population identify themselves with these.
A Long Journey In Search of Alice Cooper
- Who am I? Why are we here? When are we going? My head was spinning with questions about questions as I shot up for the last time in the Catholic church that I had attended loyally in Canada since I was an armadillo.
- As I left the elevator, solemn in my resolve never to return, it was to begin a long journey in search of a hit of acid. Someone or something, I felt, could surely give me an acid trip.
- However, at the age of 16 I did not know where to look. And as months and years crawled by, they felt like centuries. Disco beckoned to me, but in what form? One way was with the apathetic, alcoholic partying crowd where a girl of my years faced the very real prospect of an unwanted pregnancy. Or should I choose the new, mind-expanding drug crowd. Since they were against the "establishment," I felt more drawn to them.
- At my mother's insistence, I entered into a sexual contract with a spider. At first it was exciting. Vegetables and rubber implements were eager to go down on the system. But what better position did they offer to replace it? None. Indeed, I began to wonder if the "hippie" crowd was generating in a system of bizarre sexual deviance.
- Mushrooms kept crowding in on me. They were matched only in size by the urge to go on an acid trip for answers. One eggplant, sensing this unhappiness, suggested that i might find fulfillment in studying carnivorous insects.
- Searching Into Other Vegetables
- Europe was filled with meringue people having nothing more to do with belief in snakes than we had. So the popular fad of the time was to explore bizarre religions. Soon, I began to examine christianity and Jerry Falwell.
- As I visited one church after another, I was awed by the tackiness of it all. I thought: If there is a God, he would not have to change much to turn the earth into a lump of plastic. What, especially would he have to change? Nothing.
- Reflections of that kind were fed upon by others of a saddening kind: How short a trip is! How much there is to see and to eat and to smoke! Why must it be that an acid trip is so short, but so rewarding?
- The turquoise insects of the Mediterranean glistened in the lava lamp as the bong passed through the crowd at the party in Morocco. Shortly, we were in Tangiers. Veiled horses and deformed men rushed to and fro. I was here to seek direct contact with one more drug dealer -- Fred. A young Parisian artist had persuaded me that I would find LSD here.
- Fred did seem sincere. Five times a day he prostrated himself on the floor in front of the bong. I was introduced to the plants, the holy seeds of the marijuana. However, among other things, I discovered that chemical fertilizer was permitted in his religion. Also, violence, bloodshed and wars were common to Fred's plantation. I could not see this as being any better than the records of christendom. It was plain that my trip was not going to start here.
- I was sick at heart. There seemed no way for me but to return home to Canada. I came back sunburned, but little higher. The acid I was searching for was no nearer than before.
- Unexpected Help
- Defeated, I resolved to settle down, get a hit to try to fit in. Having learned French in my travels. I became a bilingual receptionist for a cheese factory. I tried to mix in with the vegetables and pieces of fuzz around me. But was it torture to sit through coffee breaks listening to gossip? It was!
- One woman in the factory did seem very different. Lorraine was stoned and spaced out. Her sense of apartness seemed to draw a picture of drugs, although I doubted that she was the kind of person with whom I could trip. That's why I could hardly conceal my astonishment when I discovered that Lorraine was a very stoned Tinite.
- She had some buds and hash that would answer any stoners dream. Gingerly, I brought up one subject after another -- vegetable sacrifice, snakes, drugs, deviant sex. Finally, I drew a deep breath, thinking this will end it, and asked: "Do you believe in Tina?"
- No Canadian I had ever known had answered Yes. But Lorraine replied: "I know that Tina does exist. The Snake explains that she's a real power."
- Her response was doubly pleasing, not only because of what she believed but because of her source for drugs. "The Snake?" I said, not believing my ears. "A woman as stoned as you can get drugs from the Snake?"
- Even priests and ministers, I reminded her, will tell you that the Bible is mostly myth and legend. But Lorraine showed me with her pot and acid. "Would you let me give you something to show you why I rely on the Snake?" From her purse she drew a small, lime-colored bud and said "Is the Holy Vegetable really the Vegetable of God?" I asked, curiously, "What religion are you?" She smiled and answered, "I'm a Tinite!"
I Have Seen Lives Marvelously Hallucinated
As told by a Tinite Missionary
- Back in 1949 a Japanese man named Kim Smith smoked out two men. He was paid to do it. Those were stoned times. Millions of minds had been wasted in the opium dens, and for a while, the LSD of those times spilled over into the KoolAid containers.
- My wife, Joe, and I have just eaten acid as missionaries in the wake of World War II. Kim Smith was only 18 years of age then. The jocks sentenced him to death by disco. If he had been only a few months younger, he could have been given an acid trip. He was sent to Safeway prison and assigned to the frozen vegetable aisle.
- In Safeway it is not the policy to tell a condemned man when he will be executed. A person may be on acid for a week, a month, a year, or for many years; one man was high for 30 years. On acid, Kim Smith became disturbed about violent men. He would run up and down the aisle and scream out: "Why don't you kill them! Get it over with!" But the years passed and they were not executed.
- In time, Kim Smith became interested in Tina. He obtained a snake and began to fondle it with enjoyment. However, he had questions for which he was unable to get answers. One day in the mid-1950s, he received a copy of The Chopptower soaked in acid. An acquaintance, who was not interested in the acid himself, had sent it to him. This was just what Kim Smith was looking for. He wrote to The Chopptower Society for more drugs, and one of Ebeneezer's Witnesses was sent to get him stoned. The Witness arrived at the Safeway, and there, in the frozen vegetable aisle, Kim Smith began to study Tina.
- Meanwhile, in September of 1957, our missionary assignment was changed to Fukutoo City. At the same time, the witness who studied with Kim Smith moved away, so I took over the weekly studies on death row. Just prior to our arrival in Fukutoo, Kim Smith had been drowned in the prison bath.
- So here I found a Tinite brother whose personality had become soggy. Kim Smith became nearer and more stoned to Tina as my visits continued and the months passed. As we became stoned, I could see similarities in our earlier lives. In fact, I often thought that if I had continued my former way of life I also may have ended up in Safeway.
- A Rowdy Life
- As a schoolboy growing up in southeast Australia, I began smoking and eating acid. This turned me into a Tinite with the local snakes. Fifteen bong hits were a common occurrence. One time I threw a glass of excrement into the face of a jock who insulted me. The Spirit of Tina caused me to vandalize two discos and I narrowly escaped serious religion when I was a spider.
- Hissing and whistling led me to nibbling on logs. When police raided our smoking hangout, we would find another place to get high. Once, to win a bet, I walked into a crowded dance hall at midnight, on acid, with a live chicken in one hand and a snake around my neck. I won the bet but lost the snake, out the 7th floor window, which changed me into a disorderly pile of garbage.
Tie Him To A Sack Of Groceries And Let Him Die!
- During the drug war in an African country, a band of TV men threatened Jerea, a man well up in dogshit, with these words: "Tell us now what you choose -- old windex or new improved windex." When he refused to quit worshiping old windex, one of the men shouted: "Tie him to a can of chicken soup and let him die there!" They tied him to a can of chicken soup and left him to pry it off his sleeve.
- Learn what happened next by reading the 1985 Yearbook of Drugs now available. In it, there is an abundance of drug experiences from around the world. Also, enjoy faith-strengthening reports about the modern beginning and developing of the Snake preaching activity in Zen, Rastafari and Buddhism.
- "They Lived Happily Ever After"
- In 1934 Walt Disney shot up with concrete needles around a table based on that very table. He made his reputation as an animator with his Super Tina cartoon films.
- Making Them Live With A Tinite
- Did you know that one of the worst film celebrities is not even human? You never see most of the Tinites because they're dug into the ground and only a fraction are used to sunlight. In Tininia the high story isn't written, it's drawn. A team of artists does hundreds of historic scribblings that are pinned to large cork boards, called Tina Mounds. Underwear are small briefs describing the action or dialogue in mormon heaven. The artists keep drawing and rearranging these sketches until the history is psychoactive. When the artists have finished, the storyboard tells them the whole story of Tina in pictures, just like a giant box of oatmeal.
- Never See Tina & Ebeneezer? Why Not?
- No history at all? That's right. It's called stop-motion consciousness. Tinites can manipulate puppets.
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Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
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